food4thought

The last talk in a series of four entitled, ‘God, Sex and Relationships’. Philip Jensens’ talks, Not Even a Hint by Josh Harris and several other articles, books and sermons will, no doubt, have found their way into this material.  

In CS Lewis’ book the Great Divorce he tells a fictitious story about a ghost of a man afflicted by lust. Lust is incarnated in the form of a red lizard that sits on his shoulder and whispers seductively in his ear. When the man despairs about the lizard, an angel offers to kill it for him. But the ghost is torn between loving his lust and wanting it to die. He fears that the death of the lust will kill him. He makes excuse after excuse to the angle, trying to keep the lizard he says he doesn’t want. Finally the man agrees to let the angel seize and kill the lizard. The angel grasps the reptile, breaks its neck, and throws it to the ground. Once the spell of lust is broken, the ghostly man is gloriously remade into a real and solid being. And the lizard, rather than dying, is transformed into a breathtaking stallion. Weeping tears of joy and gratitude, the man gets on the horse and they soar into the heavens.

My hope for us all after this series is that lust’s grip on our life is considerably weakened and instead we begin to experience developing into men and women of substance. Whether we soar into the heavens in our sexual lives remains to be seen!

In the last few weeks we’ve been thinking about the subject of God, sex and relationships. In the first week we thought about God’s good gift of sex, which he invented for the purposes of bonding a man and a woman in a relationship of intimacy. In the second week we thought about the context that God has provided for such a powerfully bonding activity, the permanent exclusive relationship known as marriage. In particular we thought about the responsibilities that God has laid upon each partner in that relationship. The man is required to exercise his authority in loving sacrifice for the good of his wife and the woman is required to submit to his rule. Last week we thought about a situation about which both Jesus and Paul were very enthusiastic, the state of singleness. This week we’re going to think a little about the way in which our sinful nature twists God’s good gift of sexuality. We’re going to think about lust. There are three principles that I’ve highlighted to which others could be added to help us think about this issue.

1. we’ll always be sinners

21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

This principle is not intended to let us off the hook. It is intended however to help us understand why we do the things that we do. In our better moments, away from the provocation of sexual temptation, we desire to live obediently for Christ. But under the right circumstances with a little nudge we find that it doesn’t take much to lessen that desire. The reason for that is our indwelling sinful nature. It’s like a power in us that controls us constantly working to press us into its evil mould. It’s just like gravity. So long as we live in this world it’s there. It’s constant and we can’t escape from its influence. Our sexual appetite is a good thing created by God but it’s also something that our sinful nature is inclined to corrupt and distort.

Lust is the internal inclination we feel that seeks to undermine our holiness and distort an otherwise wholesome sexual drive.

Lust is to want what we don’t have and what we’re not meant to have. It’s absolutely resolved to go beyond God’s loving limitations for the exercise of sexual activity to find satisfaction. It’s an insatiable desire that rejects God’s rule and seeks satisfaction apart from him.

Lust is a desire that can never be quenched. It’s like a monster that grows the more we feed it and to conquer it we need to starve it to death.

Lust is not to be attracted to someone or notice that they are attractive. It’s not the first look but the second lingering look.

Lust is not to have a strong desire to have sex. God has created us with a sex drive and presumably that drive is meant to take us somewhere.

Lust is not to anticipate having sex within marriage.

Lust is not to become sexually aroused without any conscious decision to do so.

Lust is not to experience sexual temptation. There appear to be gender differences in our temptation to lust. These are generalisations and inevitably they’ll need to be qualified. But they broadly appear to be representative. It would be a mistake to think that men are necessarily more sinful than women it’s just that their sins are perhaps more obvious.

A man’s sexual desire is often physical. This is perhaps why a man’s lust often seeks physical activity for fulfilment. A woman’s desire is more often rooted in emotional longings. This is perhaps why romantic films or period dramas and the kind of novels written by Danielle Steele can stimulate women’s lust.

A man is generally wired to be the sexual initiator and is stimulated visually. Therefore, the women can help the men greatly by being careful how they dress, particularly at this time of year. The problem is with the men and their lust but you can help them. Girls you don’t need to fear that your femininity won’t be noticed. You could be wearing a hessian sack and every man would spot it. Someone has said that there’s a difference between dressing to attract and dressing attractively and it would be great to think about that. Josh Harris in his book says, ‘when you wear clothing that accentuates, draws attention to or highlights the feminine parts of your body it’s like wearing a neon sign pointing to the very thing he’s trying not to be consumed with’. A woman is usually wired to be a sexual responder and is stimulated by touch. Therefore the men need to refrain from extended periods of touching their girlfriends. It’s not at all helpful. A man is created to pursue and even finds the pursuit stimulating and that’s perhaps why so many men are poor at committing. A woman is made to want to be pursued and finds being pursued stimulating. This is why it’s vital that our women say no to non-Christian suitors early on in the peace. Your sinful nature will like the attention but the longer you let it go on the more you’re feeding your lust and the stronger it’s becoming.

2. we’ll be weaker on our own

19 Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, 20 by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

The writer to the Hebrews realised that in order to keep going in the Christian life we need one another’s encouragement. It’s very hard to encourage yourself particularly perhaps when things are tough. Satan will go after people who isolate themselves from church relationships. I don’t know whether you’ve ever seen those war films when a troop or platoons go off into the jungle looking for the enemy. It’s always the straggler, the one who falls behind the pace and gets separated from everyone else who gets picked off. This is never more the case than when tackling sexual temptation. The nature of the sin means we would prefer to be isolated because it’s embarrassing and humiliating. So if you’ve come to us don’t just attend but immerse yourself in the life of the church. Throw yourself into our membership course, ‘Joining In’. Get involved in a small group. Pray that God will provide you with a soul mate to whom over time you can increasingly entrust yourself to. Look to be a part of an accountability relationship with one or two other people. The purpose of a group like this is to give one another believer of the same gender permission to delve into our life for the purpose of questioning, correcting, advising and encouraging someone in their Christian life. It can be quite painful at times but it can also be hugely significant in our Christian growth. I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m in a group like this with a couple of good Christian friends who also happen to be in ministry. Our wives know each other well and know the level of questioning that we’ve exposed each other to. We have a set list of questions that we ask each other and allow supplementary questions to be asked. We’re only able to get together once a term but we make a priority of keeping in touch at other times. It could be that a prayer triplet might provide something like this but I don’t want to force you into this. The point is don’t try and battle alone you’ll get picked off. Come and have a word with me if your male or Phoebe if you’re female. Take the first step to deal with it. We won’t be surprised or shocked by anything, we’re familiar with the depravity of the human heart and we’re here to help.

It’s perhaps in this context that we ought to talk about pornography and masturbation, which by their nature are usually lone activities. It’s characteristic to think of these as exclusively male struggles but there’s increasing evidence that this is not always the case.

Pornography

Pornography is anonymous visual or verbal communication intended to excite us sexually.

Pornography provokes lust.

The intention can be the deliberate intent of the producer of pornography or the deliberate intent of a viewer. Therefore a much more innocent picture can be used by the viewer intent pornographically if their intent is sexual excitement. So pictures of attractive women wearing the latest styles in a Sunday supplement whilst we wouldn’t normally classify them as pornography can become that if the viewer has excitement on his mind.

Pornography is escapism.

That’s perhaps its appeal. It lies to us. It’s often defended by the free speech lobby but it’s perhaps the most censored activity in the media. Most women don’t look like the women who appear in magazines, on films and on the Internet. And most women in porn don’t look like the women in porn because they’ve been so acutely altered by surgery, make up, lighting and editing. But we’re complicit in this scandal because we’re happy for it to lie to us. But it’s not only the more graphic images but we get it all the time in advertising. I read this week that the ASA have told a drinks company that they’re not allowed to use attractive hunky men to market their drinks but fat balding men instead. But we’re being lied to and we believe it. We’ve allowed beauty to be redefined and in fact limited to physical appearance alone. But as we all know beauty is multi-dimensional. A woman is beautiful if she’s charming, vivacious, witty intelligent warm and so much more.

Pornography is damaging.

It’s damaging to relationships especially because no woman can compete with our tastes if that’s what excites us. It means that those of us who are single will become overly picky and choosy and unhelpfully prioritise physical appearance and so we may miss out on an otherwise brilliant choice of wife because we’re too stupid to see that beauty is multi-factoral. It means that women become objects of our gaze for our arousal. It means also that those of us who are married are defrauding our wives of sexual intimacy that they deserve.

Pornography is addictive.

It’s the food that feeds the monster of lust so that lust simply gets more demanding. And so we need to starve it to death and put things in place to prevent it from happening. It’s like craving a drink but only drinking salt water. We end up craving more. If we leave this craving unchecked it can spiral downwards into obsession and like all obsessions it sucks the life from our passion for other things. Pornography is progressive. It walks people down a path towards further perversity and can create in the mind the longing to act out in reality what’s been experienced visually. If the figures are to be believed then over the last 25 years the relaxation in censorship standards has resulted in a tenfold increase in indecent assault and rape. Now perhaps there are other things that we would want to say to that issue but nevertheless we need to be warned where an infatuation could led us. Of course the problem has been around for as long as human kind. We tend to think that it was invented with the Internet. That’s not the case but the Internet has made an old problem so much more readily accessible. The drop in advertising standards in which almost everything is marketed with the toned body of a man or the voluptuous appeal of a woman doesn’t help us. And the material available on terrestrial TV after 10pm means that even trying to locate the News at Ten can feel like running the gauntlet. We need to do what we can to minimise our exposure to this type of material. There is much to help us in this struggle. There are web packages that we can use to protect the material we can see. There are also accountability programmes that can be fitted that send a record of the web sites we visit to one or two accountability partners. We can borrow DVD box sets rather than risk watching the TV – I’ve got 5 series of the West Wing is anyone’s interested.

Masturbation

There may be some for whom this is a complete mystery because you have no idea what it is. That’s fine but there will be others for whom this is acutely relevant.

Masturbation is an activity cloaked in secrecy and guilt.

Because no one ever talks about it the assumption is that it’s shameful, embarrassing and dirty. All surveys suggest that this is an activity more prevalent among men than among women. There are therefore men who masturbate who may be suffering under the unnecessary burden of shame. They’ve been made to feel that they’re in a constant state of sin as a result of their failure to control their behaviour by will power. This can be hugely damaging in their relationship with God because their whole Christian faith is reduced to this one issue.

Masturbation is an activity that the Bible does not condemn.

The Bible has every opportunity to condemn the practice but nowhere does it do so. That’s especially significant since almost every other form of sexual activity that’s deemed inappropriate is described as sexual immorality.

Masturbation is an activity that can control sexual behaviour.

Masturbation is not a replacement for sex even though Woody Allen described it as ’sex with someone I love’. It doesn’t fulfil the twin intentions of sexual activity, which are creating children and forming relationship. Therefore it cannot be the ultimate solution to our sexual drive. Before marriage and indeed during marriage it can be used as a way of controlling sexual behaviour by offering an avenue of release for sexual tension that doesn’t involve sex outside marriage. This can be especially useful within marriage where there’s a discrepancy between the sex drives of the couple or when sex is not possible for whatever reason.

Masturbation is an activity that can be lustful.

The big problem with masturbation is what’s going on in our heads. With his words about adultery and lust Jesus condemned many of the sinful fantasies that may accompany the activity of masturbation. So what are we to do? One senior Christian leader suggests that we’re not to think of nothing since it’s not simply functional like eating. We’re not to think of immorality so we mustn’t think about or visualise real people. We’re not to think of ungodly or illegal practices. Instead we’re to train ourselves to think about normal sexual activity in terms of our marriage partner if we’re married or an ideal marriage partner if we’re single.

3. we’ll reap what we sow

7 Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. 8 For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. 9 And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

God is not to be fooled and we should not be deceived. There are no short cuts to spiritual maturity. The difference between the person who grows in holiness and the one who doesn’t is not a matter of personality as though they’re temperamentally wired to being godly. Neither is holiness the fruit of upbringing as though class was significant and neither do we require great gifting to be holy. It’s simply a matter of agriculture. We all know that there’s an unbreakable link between what we put in the ground and what we take out of it later. What we see in our spiritual life today is the direct result of what we’ve put into it in the past. If there’s to be deep and lasting transformation in our Christian life then we need to start sowing to the Spirit. And that’s something that we can start doing today. However, far back we feel that we are, however many mistakes we’ve made in the past we can begin today to start sowing to the Spirit. We need to start cultivating ways of behaving that are conducive to Christian growth. This principle is true in terms of our sexual sin. If we’ve fed our lust then at one level that sin is no worse than any other is. All sin is anti God. But Paul warns in 1 Corinthians 6 that at another level sexual sin is worse. It’s profoundly anti-self.

18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

When we sin sexually we sin with our own body and we sin against our own body. Therefore sexual sins are different in their nature from other sins. They affect us more than other sins because what we do with our body is what we do with ourselves. We’re not just a thinking entity as though what we do with our body is separate to us. But we’re an integrated whole of body, mind and heart. There are therefore repercussions on us if we sin sexually that we’ll carry around with us. We’re never quite the same person again. When I lie I’m doing something sinful but it’s as though my wrong words leave me. When I sin sexually it’s me that’s involved intimately. Therefore sexual sins have a more damaging effect on people than lying. Now of course we can be forgiven for our sexual mistakes but we mustn’t be fooled into thinking that there aren’t ongoing consequences. No we reap what we sow.

Conclusion

We can’t leave a subject like this without reflecting on the cross of Christ and the forgiveness he offers. We’re all sexual sinners to one degree or another. But Christ died for our sexual sins so that we could be forgiven and start again in repentance and faith. Let’s read Psalm 51 and pray and with our hearts and our lips resolve to use our bodies for sacrificial service of Christ rather than selfish desire.

The third talk in a series of four entitled ‘God, Sex and Relationships’. I was greatly helped by a series of tapes by Philip Jensen, Richard Coekin and the book the Single Issue by Al Hsu. There are probably others whose material I’ve used in order to try and benefit others. Thank you!

The last two weeks might have been hard for some of us. Hearing about the nature and exercise of Christian marriage last week and the purpose of sexual union the week before may have left many of us thinking, ‘that sounds good, I’d like some of that’. That’s hard if you’re single and would prefer not to be. It’s perhaps harder if you’re married and your relationship doesn’t look anything like what’s been described. But at least they have the chance to do something about it.

Our culture and perhaps even the Christian church are not easy situations in which to be without a partner. The common view of the single person is that they are in some sense incomplete, immature, that they are failures and ought to receive our pity. Our family and friends can reinforce that view in the way that they pressure us to start seeing people and apologise for our single status when we’re with others. Our parents would love to be Grandparents at some stage and they know it won’t happen whilst we’re alone. But if we join with the world in despising singleness we’re thinking of Jesus Christ as a pitiable, incomplete, inferior, unfulfilled individual. And that’s blasphemous. I very much hope that CCB will be different to the world around us and will provide what single Christian men and women need to live for Christ.

I think the situation is especially hard for single Christian women. Some reasons for that are more light-hearted than others. On the lighter side of things, think about the names attached to single people. The single man is a bachelor, which conjures up the image of the roguish playboy. The single woman is known as a spinster, which conjures up the image of a bitter old hag. Think about the media treatment of the single man and the single woman. The single man’s role model is James Bond. The single woman’s is Bridget Jones. One is an adventurous lothario and the other everyone assumes has been consigned to an existence stuck at home listening to SAD FM, thinking that her only major relationship has been with a bottle of 92 Chardonnay, comforted only by a group of bitter and twisted friends wondering whether the man who’s just walked into your life is your Mark Darcy who likes you just the way that you are. At worst the long term single Christian man might be assumed to be socially inept or homosexual but he’s under no massive obligation to marry. One of the reasons for the situation being harder for the Christian woman is that the church is empty of Christian men and so the opportunities for marriage to a Christian are limited.

Can I repeat what I said last week? Do not contemplate beginning a relationship with an unbelieving husband because by your 20s you’re in marriage territory and by our 30s we’re deep into it. There’s nothing in the Bible prohibiting us from dating a non-Christian because there’s nothing in the bible about dating. But it’s completely foolish. We’ll be bonding and the split up when it ought to come will be all the more painful. If however, we marry there are three options

i. They’ll get converted and we’ve all heard of it happen so that the myth is kept alive. But it’s very unlikely and extraordinarily risky. If they’re serious about Christian things they’ll do Christianity Explored. So wait and see but don’t go down the bonding route.

ii. We take our love for Christ seriously and they don’t. Initially we’ll be able to cope with it and they’ll be understanding. But the intrusion of Christ into the relationship will mean their opposition to Christ and church will stiffen. It’ll become a vast chasm will open up in our relationship because it’s women who fall for this more often than men and they’ll feel the emotional distance opening up much more acutely they’ll deal with the one thing that’s causing the problem and

iii. They’ll drift from Christ. In truth it’s the usual way for XN girls out of XNTY. So the thing to do is never go on the first date because the first no is the easiest one. This way is the way of disaster. There may be a lingering suspicion that I’ve forfeited my rights to speak on this subject since I’ve been married for 8 years. Let me say that I remember what it’s like to be single, I now know what it’s like to be married and I anticipate that there’s a 50-50 chance I’ll be single again some day. Though given the statistics it’s more than likely that Rosslyn will outlive me and she’ll have to cope without me.

But you’ll be pleased to know that I don’t intend to speak from personal experience that’d be too uncomfortable for us both. I want to speak from the Bible so that we might hear some wise advice from our loving heavenly Father on a subject he understands inside out. I think the Bible has 4 main emphases to interpret singleness.

1. singleness is a good gift from God (1 Corinthians 7:7)

A friend said to me today that, ‘it may be a gift, but there are gifts and gifts. There’s gifts that you get on your birthday that are just what you’re after and then there’s gifts that you hope they include the receipt because you’d like to exchange it’. ‘Singleness’, she said, ‘feels like that’.

The word ‘gift’ here refers to a state rather than a special ability to be married or single. All who are single have the gift of singleness. All who are married have the gift of marriage. Some will exchange the gift of singleness for marriage others will have it for life. Either way each state is a good gift from our loving heavenly Father in accordance with his purpose for our lives. In accordance with his overall ambition to fashion in us the likeness of his Son He determines exactly what we need at a specific time to help us in that. Therefore He thinks that our marital state is what we most need at this time to make us more like Christ and we need to trust him in that. If God thinks that we need to be married in order to advance in holiness then he’ll provide us with someone to marry. We need to think with this perspective and not complain. After all we have no reason to doubt his goodness. As Paige Benton a single Christ writer said, ‘Can God be any less good to me on the average Tuesday morning than he was on that monumental Friday afternoon when he hung on a cross in my place? The answer is a resounding no.’

The idea that God is being tight fisted in not giving us a marriage partner at the moment is preposterous nonsense, he loves us the same today as he did when Christ died. In Matthew 19 Jesus said it was actually better for not to be married although not everyone would accept it. He said that there might be many reasons for being single.

some will remain single because of their condition: they were born unable to marry, although it’s unlikely, they might be physically or emotionally unable to have a sexual relationship in marriage

some will remain single because of their circumstances: they’ve been forced into that by the actions of others, that may be a shortage of marriage partners

some will remain single because of their choice: they have renounced marriage for the sake of the Kingdom of God.  

2. singleness is not for all of us (1 Corinthians 7:8&9)

Although singleness is good we should pursue marriage if can’t control ourselves sexually. Whether we’re single or not matters less than whether we’re godly. And so Paul advised the widowers and widows to stay unmarried if they could for reasons that he’ll outline later. But if they found that they couldn’t control themselves they ought to marry. Perhaps they were holding back because they thought that celibacy was more spiritual but they were struggling to stay pure in their thoughts and practices. I’ve known a handful of men who have expressed their determination to renounce the Kingdom of God but have tied themselves in knots trying to cope with a situation they couldn’t cope with. Paul is not saying get married as soon as we feel sexual passion or are tempted by it otherwise blokes would be getting married at the age of 13 to their school teacher or their best friend’s mother. Nor is he saying get married as soon as you feel any sexual excitement in a relationship because there are other factors to consider. And most men don’t find that sexual excitement is hard to come by. It’s better to avoid the situations that cause us to burn with passion than plunge into an inappropriate marriage because we lack self-discipline. And we’ll think a little more about that next week. But passion is one of a number of reasons to get married. It’s a good reason to get married though it’s not the only one. Marriage does help in the battle against sexual temptation because we can have sex. It also frees us up from the lifestyle of constantly travelling around the country or the city attending various social functions in the hope that we’ll meet Miss Right. It frees us from a life of flirtation and chasing after the opposite sex. It’s a great thing to be married because the day after I got married I knew that I’d married God’s choice for me. The matter was sorted and freed up time and anxiety. At this point some might legitimately point out that this is all very well to say but I can’t get anyone to marry me. I’m sympathetic to that situation and it may well be the case in a small church like us for a few years.

How should we respond to that?

It could be that we leave CCB and join another church but the Bible takes a dim view of church hopping

It could be that we’ve decided that we don’t know anyone to marry at the moment and we need to wait, pray and trust the Lord

It could be that we’ve been too choosy and applied unrealistically high standards so that we’ve ruled out people who’d make potential marriage partners.

I do think that the Christian men have a responsibility to our Christian sisters at this point. Some of us may decide to marry one of them and that would be terrific. Some Christian men remain single for too long and form all sorts of unhelpful self-centred habits but because they’re in the numerical ascendancy they’re not particularly panicked about finding someone to marry. That’s not particularly admirable. We certainly need to go on prioritising men’s evangelism and encouraging our male friends to do it for this reason. It’s not the only reason to explain the gospel to men, it’s not even the best reason but it’s a reason nonetheless. We need to try and give our women the opportunity to consider marriage rather than be consigned to it by male inactivity. It’s a wonderfully manly thing to do to protect our women from the huge temptation to marry an unbeliever.

The women of course need to be careful at this point not to blame the men if we’re not winning men for Christian and perhaps they need to be wary of becoming bitter and resentful towards God if things don’t turn out as we hope. It’s again perhaps hardest for the single women who don’t want to take the initiative but I think it has to be possible to approach a man about a relationship and remain submissive. I don’t know how but you can work that out. If we’re cultivating an atmosphere in which we’re not assuming a relationship is marriage that ought to be easier.

3. singleness has advantages over marriage (1 Corinthians 7:25-35)

As surprising as it sounds to our ears Paul considers singleness a better condition than marriage. Both marriage and singleness are morally right and spiritually mature but practically speaking in merely pragmatic terms then singleness is better for serving the Lord. This is shocking and politically incorrect but right because singleness delivers us in 3 ways.

a. it delivers us from worldly troubles (25-28).

Single people need to hear this. Marriage and a sexual relationship will not solve all our problems. In marriage we simply exchange one set of problems for another. It doesn’t mean that you’re never lonely or that you don’t have sexual frustrations or have a happy family. It will bring extra problems tiredness, worry, administration, arguments, responsibilities, disappointment and frustration. Christian marrieds are not very good at letting you know it’s part of the conspiracy of silence I mentioned last week! Many Christian marriages, perhaps usually those longer than ours are in misery but they are all smiles on a Sunday. Don’t believe the lie that it’s all-blissful. The lies of the media are pervasive and persuasive.

b. it delivers us from passing priorities (29-31).

Remember that this life is not all that there is, the future is hurtling towards us and we must live in the light of it. Paul’s being rhetorical in (29) because he expects them to have these things but to sit loose to them but he doesn’t want them to be engrossed by them. Given that the time is short and Christ could be returning imminently we’re free to be busy helping people be saved from hell for heaven. That’s true whether we’re single or married.

c. it delivers us from restrictions on ministry (32-35).

Remember that marriage is a hindrance to serving the Lord, we can’t do as much in church when we’re married because we ought to be looking after our wives or husbands. We don’t have the time. When you’re married, you have twice the relatives and when you have children you have the additional implications of looking after your own small group. This is greatly undervalued in the Reformed tradition that has rejected the Catholic vow of celibacy. Probably rightly because Paul says forbidding marriage is the doctrine of demons! But Jesus, the Apostle Paul, John Stott, Dick Lucas, Jonathan Fletcher, John Chapman, Rico Tice, Vaughan Roberts and Andrew Pearson are all single! It’s no accident that lots of church ministry is done by single people. It’s why this evening congregation can be so used by God. We can do so much evangelism, training in ministry and serve the am congregation in crèche and Sunday school. But (35) don’t forget that you’re free to choose what you want but go into it with an open mind. It’s perhaps the case that some Christian women assume that life starts when they get married. We must encourage them not to waste the opportunities that God is giving them for useful service. We mustn’t spend our lives looking to change our circumstances paralysed from doing ministry because we’re too busy cruising the London church scene, booking up dates in the diary for speed dating when we could be involved in Christian ministry.

4. singleness will not last forever (Ephesians 5 & Revelation 19)

I tried to explain last week that the relationship between a man and a wife were not the original template for human marriages because they’re patterned on the relationship between Christ and His church. One day Christ’s bride, the church, will be united in eternal marriage with their bridegroom. The intimacy that’s known by a few in marriage today will be the experience of all Christ’s lovers. The requirement for us all as Christ’s bride is to pursue holiness, which means that we must not let our marital status become a reason for ungodliness. The girls, perhaps particularly, can help one another not to foster disappointment or encourage it by their conversations with one another. The struggles of singleness will pass away when we meet Christ at the marriage of the lamb and are married to Christ forever they’ll seem relatively insignificant. But whilst we remain single let’s be practical about putting things in place to make the lifestyle sustainable and enjoyable. We’ll need to think about strategies for coping with being single. That’s perhaps easier in your 20s when lots of people are and choosing who to go on holiday with is fairly straightforward. But it can be harder when you’re 40 and lots of your married friends go away on their own or with their families.

Conclusion

If you could be single then do it. Don’t get pushed into getting married. It’s great to be single. It’s great to be married, each has problems and we’re free to choose. If we do need to get married then we need to trust God that he will provide what we need. It may be that we don’t think need it as much as we do and he’s providing a way out of our temptation if only we were more self controlled. We can serve God better as a single so let’s stop claiming that marriage will solve all our problems. The transformation that could be wrought in the singles of CCB who struggle with this issue by the godly example and open acknowledgement of struggles with temptation in this area could be hugely beneficial. We ought to pray that God either gives us or grows amongst us mature Christian singles to help our other singles flourish in the situation God has called them to.

Talk one of three in a series entitled, ‘Nurturing the Next Generation’ [Jan 2006]

I still have vivid memories of the 28th January 2002. It was the day that Rosslyn and I walked out of Barnet General with a son. We put him in the car, drove home and put him in the middle of the room. We looked at him and looked at one another and wondered what to do next! At that point I’d never read a book on parenting. I came from the ‘it can’t be rocket science school of parenting’.

To drive my car I’d needed to pass a test and read the Highway Code but to father a baby the state required no such qualification. If I drive badly I damage a car. Bad parenting damages people. This series is intended to raise this issue for our consideration.

Let me begin with some introductory comments

a. We’re all coming from a particular standpoint.

All seminars, talks and books are written with a particular view of the world in mind. These three talks are therefore no different. It won’t surprise you to learn that since we’re in church they spring from a Christian view of the world. It does mean that there will be certain assumptions in my approach. I’ll have a view on God, the Bible, humankind, family, marriage and the world that comes from a biblical worldview. I happen to be persuaded that there are very strong arguments for accepting this view of the world but I’m a vicar and you’d expect me to say that. There’s every chance that some here don’t as yet feel ready to accept that worldview. That may be an issue that’s anything but settled in your own mind. I’m happy to talk about those things but although I may touch on them in the talks this is probably not the place to defend them.

b. We’re not all parents.

We may hope to be one day but it may seem a long way off at the moment. For some it may never happen. But please don’t think that this series is therefore irrelevant to you. It may be teaching you something that you’ll need to know in the future. But God willing it will also teach you something that you need to know now. We all have or have had parents and we all know parents. And so this series ought to inform our understanding in such a way that we can appreciate and encourage good parenting.

c. We’re all parenting failures.

My working assumption is that there’s only one perfect parent in the whole world and that’s God. He’s as good a parent as we could ever wish for and so there’ll be great value in listening to what he says about this subject. In fact as I’ll go on to argue we can’t really understand families without relating them to him. Of course, a corollary of that truth is that in comparison to God we’re all parenting failures. That puts us all on a level playing field. Our sinful rebellion against God’s right to direct our lives through his word is something shared by us all. It affects our parenting at every level and makes it such hard work. I hope that if we’re willing to admit this and own this truth about ourselves it will lead us all to be humble and honest about our failings with one another. The last thing we want is hypocrisy creeping into our discussions. One of our good friends admitted that a couple of months ago she was so distraught with her toddler that she got down on all fours in Brixton High Street and as the crowd moved around her pleaded with her son to behave. That sort of honesty is endearing and we warm to people who make no pretence. I therefore hope that we won’t struggle to debate the issues or be fearful of what others may say. We can safely assume that we’re all hopeless at this task and so we’re not going to be judgmental or critical. I hope also it means that some of us won’t be overly sensitive.

d. We’d all like some help.

The proliferation of parenting books shows that its advice we crave. A search for books on parenting on Amazon turned up over 27,000 recommendations. Clearly there are lots of people in the world who want to tell us what to do with our children. It could of course be one extraordinarily prolific author. Where do we start? I used to be eager for advice and then discovered that lots of people weren’t reluctant to give it. It all came so thick and fast, it was often contradictory and we weren’t sure who or what to believe. Now I’m less keen. In fact I wonder whether the wisdom required in parenting is not listening to advice but learning to ignore it.

e. We’re all wondering why I’m doing the talks!

Perhaps that thought hadn’t crossed your mind. But hang around for long enough and witness the carnage over coffee as my children arrive and it soon will. Clearly I’m not an expert in parenting. But I’m not claiming to be. I’m just another parent wanting some guidance. There are at present three children depending on the outcome of these talks and so I’m not a disinterested spectator, I’m a fellow participant. As such, in preparation for these sessions I’ve read what are commonly regarded as the best of evangelical, that’s Bible believing, books on this issue and I’ll mention some of those in a moment. And I’ve listened to some helpful talks. But I’m not sure I need to be an expert. If we waited until I was an expert in everything I spoke on we’d have to shut down the church. This is a shared endeavour and I’m anticipating that long after I’ve sat down we’ll be discussing the issues and thinking through the implications in our marriages and with other parents. It’s worth rejoicing that we belong to a church and recognising that God has placed around us people with expertise in various matters that are of help in parenting. We’ve got experts in medical matters with Doctors and Physiotherapists, educational issues with Primary School teachers and developmental issues with Occupational & Speech Therapists to name a few. That’s a great resource to help us in church. And I may deflect some questions towards them. On questions, it’s my intention that there’ll be time for questions each week but that I’ll answer questions left in the question box from the previous week after I’ve had some time to confer!

f. We don’t actually need anything else but the Bible.

The Bible is sufficient for the parenting task. In 2 Timothy 3:16 Paul wrote, ‘All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the ‘man of God’ may be competent, equipped for every good work’. God has given us everything that we need in his word, the Bible for the whole of our Christian lives. That includes the task of parenting. So we don’t actually need to read any of the books on the bookstall. But before I cause Sarah to worry about her stock levels let me say that we’d be foolish not to read and ponder the wisdom of others. We ought to especially pay attention to those books that attempt to engage, explain and simplify the biblical material. I can recommend all the books on the bookstall and they fulfil different functions in the parenting task.

g. We all have ideas and some are strongly held.

One problem with tackling this issue is that most people have preconceived ideas about what constitutes good and bad parenting. Some of those will be formed after reflection on the biblical material and others not. It’s possible for us to hold very strong opinions on these issues and therefore I’m aware that we could be in for some interesting discussions. Let me say we must be careful not to require of one another what the Bible does not require of us. The explicit commands of scripture are few but clear and we should encourage those in one another. But much of our parenting decisions are concerned with applying those principles with freedom and wisdom. Therefore there’s great scope for a variety of approaches and we need to be generous and not critical in our assessment of what others are doing.

h. We’ll need to have realistic expectations.

If we give it a moment’s thought we’ll realise that three 25-minute sermons are not going to give us all that we need to know on this issue. My intention is provide some of the biblical principles of parenting. I’m relying on our concern and our enthusiasm for the task to lead us to take the next step. In fact what I want to do is attempt to summarise the task before us very simply so that those three priorities will be deep convictions against which all of our parenting activity is to be measured. For those who’ve come hoping for ‘ten top tips to transform your terrible two into a terrific toddler’ you’ll leave disappointed. Go to the books for that. I want to plant some biblically derived convictions deep within us that we can use to critically assess the advice that these books pour out. It’s a game in the mind.  I’ve entitled the series ‘Nurturing the Next Generation’ because that seemed to summarise what we’re trying to do in parenting. And the three talks entitled ‘loving our children, teaching our children and disciplining our children’ attempt to expand is entailed by nurturing.

In the time that we’ve got left all I want to do this morning is establish the first of those three priorities, which is to love our children. This principle undergirds and requires the next two. It’s ridiculous to think that we could love our children without teaching them or leaving them uncorrected but those two issues will be dealt with in subsequent weeks.

The big idea of this talk is that God calls parents to love or to serve the children that he gives to them.

1. God provides children as gifts

Look with me at Psalm 127,

‘1 Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. 2 It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. 3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. 4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. 5 Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate’.

This psalm is essentially a song that recognises that God’s active involvement is necessary for success in two important spheres of human existence. First, in (1&2) we cannot protect ourselves against our enemies unless God stands behind us. Secondly, in (3-5) we cannot protect ourselves against injustice unless God provides us with children to argue our case. The idea is that our children will grow up to defend us at the courts by the city gates. God thinks we’re very fortunate if we’re well armed with them.

Tony Payne has written, ‘we don’t think like that, if we were writing the psalm it’d go, Behold, children are just a nuisance, The fruit of the womb a pain in the neck. Like arrows in the backside of a warrior Are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who can persuade his wife to stop at two. He shall not be put to shame When his mates invite him to the pub’.

It’s these last verses that interest us this morning. In them God teaches us that children are his gift to us. We can hope for them but unless he gives them to us we hope in vain. This truth has two obvious implications.

a. Children should be received with thanksgiving.

We need only to talk to those who are experiencing or have experienced great difficulty in conceiving to know that we can’t take it for granted that we’ll have children. When God gives children to us we should be very grateful. That’s perhaps more obvious when it’s our first and when they’re small. It’s hard not to look at a new born baby in amazement, wonder and awe. Feargal Keane the BBC Corespondent in his ‘Letter to Daniel’ in which he writes to his baby boy wrote, ‘Now, looking at your sleeping face, inches away from me, listening to your occasional sigh and gurgle, I wonder how I could have ever thought glory and prizes and praise were sweeter than life’. But as children grow up we’ll also need to remember this when they irritate us, defy us, provoke us and disappoint us. We’ll need to remember that they remain a gift of God to us.

b. Children should be treasured as valuable.

The biblical view of children is unique. In both the Old Testament and the New Testament children are given a significance that was not afforded to them in the surrounding cultures. In the OT child sacrifice was commonplace and in the NT infanticide of especially baby girls was a feature of life in the Roman Empire. Jesus himself modelled a counter cultural approach and acceptance of children.We now inhabit a society that regards the right of a Mother to choose more important than the right of a baby to live and so the Christian view that all human life is valuable is something that we need to keep defending.

Our children are valuable gifts from God for which we always ought to give thanks.

2. God entrusts children to parents

a. God places children in families.

God intends that children should grow up in the context of a family. Kirsten Birkett in her book ‘The Essence of Family’ points out that the concept of family is one that is derived from God. God has a family. He is a Father with a son, the Lord Jesus Christ. And he adopts into his family for all eternity those who exercise faith in Christ. In Ephesians 3 Paul assumes that all families are derivatives of this pattern. And so we ought always to have before us the model that God is the parenting standard towards which we ought to be aiming. The responsibility for children therefore falls to the parents not to the Government, not to teachers and not to Sunday school.

b. God requires that both parents are involved.

The translation Look at Proverbs 1:8, ‘Hear, my son, your father’s instruction and forsake not your mother’s teaching’. The idea is repeated in 6:20. Parenting is a dual responsibility. There are different responsibilities within the family. It’s not a competitive but co-operative venture. Our definition of family is usually Mum, Dad and some kids. It revolves around the kids and is held together by Mum. But in the Bible the expectation is that at the centre of the family is a Father who leads and takes responsibility for his tribe. That sometimes doesn’t happen because the father is so often absent. He can be absent because work commitments demand so much of him. Or perhaps less forgivable he can be absent even though he’s present. Most Mums will not resent the intrusion of some fatherly involvement into the parenting process but after 5 days of fluids, whinging and tantrums will be very grateful for our renewed involvement.

3. God expects children to be nurtured in godliness

Look with me at Mark 3:31-34, ‘31 And his mother and his brothers came, and standing outside they sent to him and called him. 32 And a crowd was sitting around him, and they said to him, "Your mother and your brothers are outside, seeking you." 33 And he answered them, "Who are my mother and my brothers?" 34 And looking about at those who sat around him, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! 35 Whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother."

In Jesus’ thinking the earthly family is not the ultimate family. There’s another family that’s more important than our own. In an age where we might perhaps idolise the family this is a truth with massive implications in terms of what we hope for our children. Belonging to God’s family has a prior claim on our allegiance and that of our children. The OT prophet Malachi argues that God entrusted children to parents so that they might produce godly offspring. It’s as though God gives children to us with the intention that we should nurture them and in order to give them back to him. God intends that we will nurture those he’s given us responsibility for so that they will grow up as mature well-rounded followers of Jesus Christ. That is not to say that their conversion or their growth in godliness is something over which we have total control. God is the one who brings people to new life. But it is to acknowledge that we can parent with the confident expectation that God is favourably disposed to our children and that he uses us as partners in that enterprise.

That’s quite a responsibility isn’t it? It’s as though we’re the pastors of our own home church, which is how the Puritans of the 17th Century understood their role. And it’s why the NT epistles require deacons and elders to have demonstrated their suitability for leading the household of God.

At times it might feel that the goal of parenting is crowd control or perhaps in our better moments to produce well rounded individuals to take up their place in society and contribute something towards it. But we will have failed in our responsibility unless we have sought to pastor our children in the faith.

To be a biblical parent and seek God’s agenda for their lives we’ll seek to parent the way God intends for the goal that God intends. If we don’t do it this way them we’re working against the rub and we can expect that to be hard work. We need to have two perspectives in focus.

a. We need to remember creation.

In creation God made the world and designed to function in a particular way. He is the inventor of families, parents, husbands and wives and children. Unless we want to argue that he’s a careless or unloving creator he gave some thought to the way that his creation should function. God’s instructions as the creator will therefore give us the essence of parenting. We’ll perhaps need to keep this in mind as we consider the subjects of instruction and discipline.

b. We need to remember the New Creation.

This world is not all that there is. There’s a paradise existence beyond the grave opened up for us through Christ’s death. We call it heaven the Bible usually calls it the New Creation. Therefore the goal of parenting has to bear in mind that we’re not simply preparing our children for life in this world but ultimately we’re preparing our children to enjoy life in the next.

We’re sinners and we’ll constantly feel the temptation to step back from obeying God in this matter. But children are sinners as well and that leads to the final point.

4. God requires children to honour and obey

Look at Ephesians 6.

6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honour your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

God’s pattern for families requires children to honour and obey the parents whom God has placed in authority over them.

It’s a common biblical theme that God invests authority in those to whom he gives responsibility. Fathers in particular we learn have responsibility for raising the children with discipline and instruction. God has given authority to parents over their children. But as with all biblical authority it’s not the right to abuse or manipulate those under our direction. Biblical authority is really the permission to make decisions for the well being of those in our care. It’s not something that’s opposed to love it’s something required in order to love.

To love our children means to serve them. Biblical love is not an emotion it’s an activity. Love’s not primarily those wonderful feelings of infatuation and desire that they provoke in us when they’re adorable. Love is a decision to place their needs before our own when they provoke us to something else! It’s impossible to love our children without God’s permission to have some measure of control over what they do. If worth realising that if we raise children who will not submit to our decisions we will cause them to forfeit our loving direction.

Why do we need to be told to love our children? That may seem surprising to some of us. There are two reasons. Children are sinners and so are parents!

Children are not born morally neutral or morally innocent and end up being corrupted by influences around them. They, like us, are born with a bias to rebellion against God and His wise advice for life and we’ll be surprised how early that disobedience is manifested.

But we’re sinners as well. If we’re honest we’ll admit that we have to fight against our fundamental interest in ourselves before thinking about anyone else. The NT is brutally honest about the ongoing influence of our impulse to selfishness. It’s something that we’ll have to battle until our dying day. Therefore when children make demands on us we may not always feel like responding in love and quite often we’ll resent it. It’s helpful to anticipate it so that we recognise it when it happens.

Conclusion

Let me summarise what we’ve thought about this morning.

Through the kindness of God we have brought children into existence and we are tasked with the responsibility of caring and providing for them.

God has given us the authority we need to fulfil this function. To fathers he has given authority over the entire family and to parents he has given joint authority over the children.

Working together in partnership we are to live our lives in the light of the prior and more profound family membership available through the gospel of Jesus Christ. We’re to ensure that we’re part of that family ourselves. But we must also lead our family so that they will join us in the New Creation.

The third session of three in a series entitled ‘Nurturing the Next Generation’ [Jan 2006]

Disciplining our Children

If I thought I was taking a risk in dealing with a subject like parenting given the strong opinions held by some on the application of the Bible’s principles then I don’t know what we’d say about tackling the subject of discipline! We can’t deal with this subject without saying something about smacking and it may well be that we have clear views on that subject. There are those who assume that everyone who smacks are guilty of child abuse and take their parenting lead from Attila the Hun. There are those who assume that those who don’t smack are libertarian latte lefties who are only moments away from suggesting that the next church away day should involve compulsory tree hugging. Before we get to that subject I trust we’ll spend some useful time thinking about the big picture.

Recap

I’ve summarised the task of parenting as nurture. The three principles that expand upon that task have been the titles for our three talks. Loving, teaching and disciplining our children are like 3 sides of a triangle. They enclose the task and provide boundaries for our parenting. We fail in our responsibilities when one of these boundaries is transgressed. But within those boundaries there’s scope to apply these principles with wisdom and freedom. Rather than seek to provide an exhaustive guide to parenting I’ve attempted to be comprehensive and in particular imbed those three deep convictions in our psyche so that they become the principles to govern our parenting.

Summary

The big idea in the first week was that God has given us responsibility to love the children that he graciously gives us. God has given parents the authority we need to take responsibility for their children so that they can make decisions to act in love. Parents are to serve their children with particular regard to the family that God is gathering in heaven and therefore do all that we can to lead them there. Last week the big idea was that our task as parents is to instruct our children. We’re the principal teachers whose responsibility it is to teach them the gospel, doctrine and wisdom. We must do that in such a way that living as being part of God’s family is just part of the fabric of life so that we help them mature as disciples of Jesus Christ. Introduction Our concern this week is the subject of disciplining our children. To do that I thought it would be useful to spend our time in Hebrews 12.

3 Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. 4 In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. 6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." 7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

The author begins with three introductory comments. He says to his readers

• Let’s consider Jesus (3) who is the example par excellence of enduring suffering under persecution from opponents.

• Let’s get some perspective (4) and not exaggerate how hard it is, no one had had to die for the faith.

• Let’s remember proverbs (5&6). The author quotes from Proverbs 3:11&12 because the original readers had forgotten that in the experience of persecution their loving heavenly father was treating them as sons. These comments set the context. The author is dealing with Christians suffering under persecution he’s not dealing with parents struggling with the toddlers. However, to make his point about God’s fatherly treatment of his children the author employs an analogy. The relationship of Christians to God is analogous to that of children to parents. For this analogy to work the author presupposes an approach to parenting and discipline that permits pain and unpleasantness in the training of a child. In response just as sons should neither scorn nor treat as insignificant the loving discipline of their fathers neither should the Christian treat as worthless nor lose heart through the experience of the Lord’s discipline. The rationale for taking seriously the Lord’s discipline is that rather than it denying the existence of a loving relationship it presupposes and underpins it.

In (7) the author begins his exposition of the Proverb. He makes the following 5 points about discipline.

1. Discipline is Required

Look at (7), ‘God is treating you as sons’.

Discipline is required because this is what Fathers in particular, but parents in general, have authority to do. God requires this of us because this is the function that he’s invested our position with. Therefore it inevitably and unavoidably comes with the territory of being a parent. If we choose not to discipline our children we’re being disobedient to God and failing to respond to his word in repentance and faith.

a. But what are we talking about when we speak of discipline?

The Greek word translated ‘discipline’ or ‘admonition’ in some English versions from Ephesians 6 is the word ‘nouthesia’. It’s a word that speaks of rebuke or warning. But, it also communicates the sense of mild, loving parental discipline. It’s virtually synonymous with the word translated ‘instruction’ which is another broad word that also includes the idea of training. To train a child means not only providing the basic content of what should be done but also instilling that content through practice and discipline. And so it’s a total training package with positive commendation and reward as well as punishing misdeeds. It has the idea of rebuking wrong behaviour and reinforcing right behaviour. And so I’m trying to be as positive about things that the kids do well as I am vigilant about their transgressions.

And so in the same way that our loving heavenly father uses his word to correct, rebuke, train and encourage so we should aim for that with our kids. We must chastise, censure and reprimand them for their disobedience and underline that with physical discipline where appropriate but we must also implore, exhort and reward them for their obedience. The goal is to correct the child’s behaviour and we do that through positive and negative consequences.

It’s like rugby training. It’s probably like Ballet as well but I haven’t got the experience or the will power to try and make that illustration work! There’s some basic content that’s necessary to teach them like basic skills, moves and laws of the game. And then there’s some hard practice in which we work but its followed by rewards like the praise of your coach, being picked for a team and winning a match. But there’s also punishment like earning the coach’s displeasure, being dropped from the team and having to do remedial fitness.

The purpose of those things is not to exact retribution but to train them in developing the skills that are necessary to play well in the game of rugby. We’re just trying to do that in life.

b. Why does God require parents to discipline?

In the same way that God has appointed the civil magistrate to punish the wrongdoer so God has instituted parents to discipline their children for their wrongdoing. But I want to preserve a difference in our thinking between judicial punishment for sin and parental discipline for misbehaviour.

God models this in his treatment of us as sons. God punishes the wicked for their sins but he disciplines his children. The wicked will suffer the eternal condemnation of God for their sins. In doing that God is seeking retribution in accordance with justice. With his children he seeks not to punish but to discipline. It’s not primarily punitive but corrective. Therefore, we cannot punish our children for their sins. Punishment with a big ‘P’ is what’s dealt with by Christ on the cross or us in the judgement. Punishment with a little ‘p’ is the negative consequences of misbehaviour in this life. Discipline involves little ‘p’ punishment. Parents ought not to think of what they do as punishment but as discipline through the application of positive and negative consequences. We’re not exacting retribution for whatever heinous crime they’ve committed with their sister’s dolly we’re training them to replace something wrong with something right.

c. So what does discipline do?

Discipline teaches the idea that there are consequences to our behaviour. If you like it’s the framework of reward and punishment for behaviour that every child needs. They need to know that behaviour has consequences. That’s true in this life and it’s the basis for entry into the next.

Discipline presupposes that there’s a day on which God will punish sin. Rather than teaching our children that our obedience merits our inclusion in heaven and encourages a mentality of works it is in fact the necessary framework that they need to understand the gospel.

Discipline communicates very clearly that there’s something very wrong in the way that the child has behaved. It reminds them that misbehaviour brings us into conflict with God’s law because God requires children to obey their authorities. Though discipline is not punishment for sin it is a reminder that in disobeying their parents they have disobeyed God. This is always wrong and we need to be reminded of how serious that is.

Discipline teaches the need for forgiveness when they do wrong. Without this how could anyone truly understand the work of Christ in taking our punishment for us? One of my lecturers at college used to illustrate this on Good Friday by swapping places with the kids when they were told to sit on the stairs.

d. Why is discipline necessary?

Because children are not morally neutral with an information deficit so that all we need to do is tell them the right thing and they’ll do it unfailingly for the rest of their lives. They, like us, possess hearts that our factories of wickedness. If we believe this it’ll mean we won’t have unrealistically high standards for our children and we won’t be surprised by their misbehaviour. Your little girl may look as sweet as anything we’ve ever seen on a Pampers advert but what lurks beneath is the capacity for unrestrained evil!

Some of us may need to do some reading and listen to some tapes to be encouraged to believe God’s word on this. Our culture is a long way from this and if that’s been one of our most significant influences we’ll find ourselves reeling at this point. But we need to be warned that to deprive children of discipline is to give full reign to their sinful nature.

2. Discipline is Normal

Look at (7) ‘For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.’

Discipline is normal. For a child to be without discipline in their life is abnormal. In fact, the absence of discipline from a father questions the legitimacy of a claim to be a son.

But it’s normal because it’s an expression of love. Proverbs 13:24 ‘Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him’. God equates neglect of discipline with hatred. Proverbs 29:15 ‘The rod and reproof (physical and verbal) give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother’. The notion that we could claim to love our children and not discipline them is alien to the Bible’s way of thinking. Discipline is a sign of ownership and identification. Consider this

If at the end of the meeting we see a child wandering around and there’s no obvious oversight of that child and no obvious correction when they misbehave what conclusion are we to draw? Probably, they’re the vicar’s kids! But also that kid has no parents. There’s something wrong about an unattended abandoned child.

The Bible goes even further and employs shocking language. Proverbs 19:18 ‘Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death’. God equates neglect of discipline with murder, if we won’t discipline we may as well give them up to death.

Let’s not in effect divorce our children by our neglect of their need for discipline. How could we ever have got to the state where discipline is thought to be at odds with love?

3. Discipline is Expected

Look at (9) ‘We have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them’.

Discipline is expected within the parent child relationship. The point here is that kids should not find in discipline a reason to disrespect their parents. Quite the opposite. Clearly if we discipline badly we risk forfeiting the respect and honour that ought to be ours. It seems to me that we can do that

• If discipline is simply an opportunity to vent our frustration. And so we must ensure that we discipline based on the kids’ behaviour rather than on our feelings. The issue is not how much they’re winding us up or how tired we are. It ought to be that they’re able to tell us why they’re being disciplined.
• If we overstep the mark and punish harshly. And so we need to try and make the punishment fit the crime. Taking our time over punishment can be a useful thing and some time out on the stairs allows everyone to cool down and assess the situation calmly.
• If we’re inconsistent. And so we need to make sure that the enforcement of rules should be consistent across time and parents. This is perhaps a danger for Dads who can undermine the weeklong efforts of Mum in the space of a weekend. If we’ve spent the week at work and seen nothing of them we don’t fancy a discipline war.
• If we’re unclear. The kids need to know what’s allowed and what’s not. They also need to know the difference between God’s rules and house rules. We can’t have them growing up thinking that God doesn’t allow us to stand on the sofa. But they need to know that generosity, kindness and patience aren’t characteristics peculiar to Mummy. It helps for the rules of the game to be clear and especially to signal when there’s been an amendment in the rules after parental discussion. Having a surly attitude and being stroppy when being asked to do something is now punishable with discipline in our family. But we felt it only fair to alert the kids what it is, why its out of bounds and what the penalties for infringement are.
• If we don’t treat make allowances for the differences in our kids. Age, temperament and gender all ought to influence the strategy we use. One writer suggested that young babies should be brought into a totalitarian regime in which the parent rules absolutely over everything but as they grow up the restrictions should be lifted.

We’re teaching our kids something by our discipline, that’s inescapable. But it’s worth asking what are we teaching. Are we teaching that Mum and Dad have been given authority by God to be obeyed? Are we teaching them that discipline is what happens when Dad loses it? Does our discipline causes our kids to respect us or not?

4. Discipline is Beneficial

Look at (10) ‘For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness’.

Discipline is beneficial. Parents discipline for the good of their children. We’re supposed to do this because it’s in the best interests of the kids God has given us to love. Proverbs puts it this way, ‘Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him’ [22:15]. Discipline removes foolishness from the core of our child’s being. It’s also beneficial to us! Proverbs 29:17 ‘Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart’.

We must go on remembering that because for a variety of reasons we’ll be tempted to ease up and neglect this. But if we do we need to be warned that we’re nurturing a fool.

5. Discipline is Painful

Look at (11) ‘For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant’.

Notice that God is quite prepared to cause even his children pain. He does this because he knows its necessary to produce the harvest of righteousness that he longs for. Discipline can be painful, it hurts and it’s unpleasant. But this shouldn’t take us by surprise. In a fallen world such as this is there are countless situations where we need to inflict pain to put something right. When I dislocated my shoulder playing rugby I was grateful that the Doctor inflicted pain to relocate it and make it work again.

As we get onto this discussion we’ll need to clarify some basic groundwork

• Though secular child psychologists seem reluctant to admit it there is a world of difference between child abuse and a loving smack. Parental discipline should never injure the child, it’s not permission to strike our child whenever we wish and the intention is not to damage the child. The only responsibility the Bible gives for this is the parents so we’re not allowed to smack any child and neither should we ask anyone else to smack ours.

• Physical discipline should be administered in love, should be measured and never employed in a fit of rage. It seems perverse to think that we could be punishing our children for a sin whilst we’re actively engaged in one ourselves. We’d be naïve to believe that before long they’ll spot the hypocrisy of that.

The rod in scripture

There’s a wide usage of the term ‘rod’ throughout the Bible. It’s used to imply the beating of slaves and the guidance of sheep. The use of the word in one context does not determine nor limit its use in another context. The plain reading of the proverbial material is that a type of stick or club was used in disciplining Israelite children. Therefore the ‘rod’ can refer to physical punishment of one’s own children.

But the rod is also used metaphorically or symbolically of a broad range of strategies for disciplining. So I’m not persuaded that every time we punish our children God expects us to beat them with a stick. So while the rod can definitely include literally hitting a child with an object its fullest meaning includes any form of unpleasant discipline designed to teach our kids a lesson. We’ve not had cause to use anything than our hands so far but it may be that as the boys in particular grow up Rosslyn may need to employ an implement!

Mothers you may be an obstacle at this point. You can be too tender. It’s the way you’re wired. We mustn’t let them grow up hardhearted and stiff-necked. So we need to know that it can kill our kids.

For what it’s worth our smacking routine goes something like this

We take them into another room so that it’s a private affair between parent, God and them. There’s no intention to humiliate them publicly. I won’t smack in public since it’s misunderstood and we can always save it up for home.

We identify the misdemeanour so that they understand what they’ve done wrong. It’s usually not a lack of understanding but a lack of responsibility that’s the issue! The big issues for us at the moment are disobedience, disrespect and dishonesty and they are smacked.

We clarify that God has made us parents to look after them. God wants them supposed to do what we say. When they don’t, they’re being naughty and not doing what God says. We explain that the purpose of a smack is to make the consequences of disobedience unforgettable. We say something like, ‘God allows Mummy and Daddy to smack us so that we remember it’s always silly to be naughty’. They cry. We hug. Then we pray. They ask for forgiveness and help to be obedient. We ask for help to be good parents.

Conclusion

The picture we get from that quick overview of Hebrews 12 is that discipline is an inevitable and desirable accompaniment to the parenting process. So far from being the dodgoire interpretation of a few proof texts applied by a rabidly fundamentalist parent its what the plain reading of the Bible means. How we choose to apply that to those whom the Lord has given us to love and instruct is a matter for discussion with your husband and wife.

Proverbs puts it like this [23:13&14] ‘Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.’

Talk two of three in a series entitled, ‘Nurturing the Next Generation’ Jan 2006

I’ve attempted to summarise the task of parenting as nurture. The three principles that expand upon that task are the titles for our three talks. They are to love, teach and discipline our children.

In this series we’re attempting to imbed three deep convictions in our psyche so that they become the principles that govern our parenting. They’re like 3 sides of a triangle that enclose the task and therefore provide boundaries for the task of parenting. We fail in our responsibilities when one of these boundaries is transgressed

• We mustn’t fail to love our children
• We mustn’t fail to instruct our children
• We mustn’t fail to discipline our children

But within those boundaries there’s scope to apply these principles with wisdom and freedom.

Summary

The big idea last week was that God has given us responsibility to love the children that he graciously gives us. You’ll remember that biblical love is an activity not a feeling and is expressed in serving others for the sake of their well being. We look back to the first creation from which we learn that families are God’s way of organising communities. And therefore it’s to him that we seek the guidance we need to manage our families and organise them in accordance with his design. A failure to do so will mean that it’s like trying to run a complex piece of machinery without referring to the instruction manual. But we also look to the new creation from which we learn that God has a family with whom he’ll spend all of eternity. It’s a family made up of sons and daughters who’ve been adopted into his family through faith in Jesus Christ. And so there’s a destination to which we’re heading and to which we’re to take our family.

Introduction

Our concern this week is the subject of teaching our children. In Proverbs 22:6 God encourages us to confidently expect that efforts to train a child will bear fruit. The writer says, ‘train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it’. Much as we’d like it to be this is not a cast iron guarantee that if we pay attention to our responsibility to teach our children that they will inevitably grow up to be the people that we hope they will be. Proverbs don’t function like that. They’re truisms. And so, in general it’s observable that if we train our children then they will take these principles to heart as they mature. There are five things to say about our pastoring our little church.

1. The responsibility for instruction

If everyone else is assuming that this is someone else’s responsibility a generation of children will grow up neglected and ignorant. And so we need to be clear on whose job this is.

In Genesis 18:19 God spoke to Abraham about the impending destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah when He said,

‘Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do, seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him? For I have chosen him, that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing righteousness and justice, so that the Lord may bring to Abraham what he has promised him.’

Notice that God laid upon Abraham as a father the responsibility for instructing his family and descendants.

In Ephesians 6, Paul wrote,

‘Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.’

Once again it’s fathers who are given principal responsibility for instructing the kids.

In 1 Thessalonians 2:7 Paul compared his own ministry among that congregation in terms of both parents. He wrote,

‘But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. 8 So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us. 9 For you remember, brothers, our labour and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, while we proclaimed to you the gospel of God. 10 You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers. 11 For you know how, like a father with his children, 12 we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.’

Notice that mothers took care for the needs of their children often working long hours to nurse them. But fathers were not exempt and they too were expected to take on their share of the work by exhorting, encouraging and charging their children to walk through life in a manner that befits those on their way to God’s eternal kingdom. The two Greek words used for exhort and encourage both contain the Greek word ‘para’, which means alongside. They’re used because they depict the Father drawing alongside his children as a coach might draw alongside a runner in a marathon to encourage and urge. That’s a lovely image of the task that Fathers have. As we thought about last week, the responsibility for instruction is a shared one between Mother and Father. But as the head of the family husbands need to take it upon themselves to ensure instruction is provided. And I don’t think the Bible has in mind that we devolve that responsibility to our wives. Let’s use a metaphor that’ll help us understand our task as we go through the material. Imagine that we wanted to grow and cultivate a garden. The first thing we’d need to know is who was doing what. If we all think it’s our job to dig and no one thinks it’s their job to plant we’ll end up with prepared ground but no growth.

We’re growing up in a culture where we’re increasingly taking advantage of the specialisation of skills. Often that’s a useful thing. One of the reasons why we’re unlikely to ‘home school’ our children is because the state has provided trained teachers to educate our children with a sound and thorough knowledge of their subjects and child development. I might have an issue with whether in practice that’s done in support of the parents’ responsibility for children or whether they undermine this. But in principal I’m happy to provide my children with a secular education. The danger is that we abdicate all responsibility for teaching them ourselves. This is perhaps more the case in the spiritual realm than the secular. It’s quite normal for us to place our children in Sunday school and expect that team of very able and godly teachers to provide our children with the spiritual sustenance and direction that we’re supposed to be providing. But it’s a partnership and in reality they can only supplement what we give them at home since they get the kids for less than an hour a week.

2. The need for instruction

Most of us have lives that we feel are running pretty close to capacity already and if we’re being asked to make room for something new we need to be clear on why we need to do it. There are three main reasons why kids need us to instruct them.

a. Children are exposed to peer pressure

Children need our instruction because we’re asking them to grow up in a world that’s often hostile to God and his ways. We ought to assume that very few of the influences acting on our children will encourage them to live for Jesus Christ. And so if anyone is going to help them cope with the pressure to conform and reject the non-Christian worldview that’s prevalent in our society we’re going to have to help them.

b. Children are inclined to sinful activity

Our children are not born innocent and they will not grow up naturally to become disciples of Jesus Christ. In Christianity Explored this week we had to rehearse the fact that the Bible’s view of human beings is that from the moment we’re conceived we’re sinful. That is, each one of us has an inclination to instinctively reject God and his commands. Therefore the influence of a peer group is often nudging kids towards a direction that they’re keen to go in already.

c. Children are vulnerable to danger

Children are by nature immature in every way. They are not yet ready for independence. This is one reason why it’s a kindness of God to give children parents to obey. One of our priorities at the moment is to encourage the kids to understand that God has given them Mummy and Daddy to look after them. We want what’s best for them and therefore they need to trust us when we explain why we’re asking them to do something. It’s fair to say that I’ve yet to win the argument with Flora about the importance of drinking milk despite the impressive dietary arguments I’ve marshalled in favour of my point of view. It feels like the philosophical conundrum of what happens when the immovable object meets the irresistible force.

If we were trying to cultivate a garden and we simply left it alone to do its own thing and be acted upon by the culture around it we have no idea how it would turn out. It’s likely to be an unruly mess. It’s unlikely to be neat and contained. It’s one thing to leave a garden to grow wild but it’s another thing to condemn a child to that.

Our nurseries and our primary schools will not teach our children to follow Christ. It’s our responsibility.

One of the most striking things in recent years is the way in which the media has begun to undermine the authority of parents. I’ve not conducted a survey since I’m deliberately trying to watch less TV. But I suspect it would bear out my assertion that most depictions of parents on TV are less than flattering views a million miles away from the biblical concept of loving service. Whether they mean to or not the media undermines the authority of parents. One of the things that we’ll need to rehearse with our children is that they are people under our authority.

3. The aim of instruction

Someone once said that ‘if we aim at nothing we’ll hit nothing’. It’s not a proverb but it sounds like it ought to be. But we do need to be clear what we’re trying to accomplish through our instruction so that we know what we’re trying to do. In Luke 2:52 Jesus is described in the following way,

‘And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favour with God and man’.

Now I don’t think that Luke is attempting to give us a medical blueprint for child development at this point. However, notice that he does express Jesus’ growth in terms of four categories. Intellectual [wisdom], physical [stature], spiritual [favour with God] and social [favour with men]. I think it’s helpful to maintain that sort of holistic view of a child’s development and not to think solely in terms of one narrow area. Of course if we’re Christian parents then we’ll give priority to their spiritual development and we mustn’t underestimate the influence that spiritual maturity will have in other areas. But we mustn’t think of spiritual maturity in limited terms, it’s more for example than knowledge of the scriptures. It’s hardly spiritually mature to be able to recount all the books of the Minor Prophets but be unable to be kind towards others.

For many of us valuing our own education and now growing up among the ‘aspirational’ middle classes our danger will be to prioritise the intellectual development of their children so that they can get into the better schools and the finer universities. That’s not my sin, mine is to prioritise physical development especially important things like running, kicking and catching! I’ve long thought that sport opens up more doors than a degree.

For others it may be the social skills. Listen to this quote from John MacArthur.

‘The goal of parenting is not behaviour control – it’s not merely to produce well mannered children. It’s not to teach our kids socially commendable behaviour. It is not to make them polite and respectful. It is not to make them obedient. It is not to get them to perform for our approval. It is not to conform them to a moral standard. It is not to give us, as parents, something to be proud of.’

For whatever reason the aspect of our children that receives most attention is what they do, especially in public. Unless we’re careful to address the deeper issue of motivation we’re in danger of nurturing a generation of hypocrites because much of our parenting is concerned with behavioural control not behavioural motivation.

In Proverbs 4:23 the writer warns, ‘keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life’. Jesus said much the same thing in Luke 6 and Mark 7. We must therefore target the heart. In his book ‘Shepherding the Heart’, Ted Tripp deals with this issue at length and I commend that to you. But in brief we need to help our children understand that their hearts are the problem and where the battle will be won. They need to know that they have hearts that don’t desire the right things, they need to understand temptation and learn to resist it and they need to understand their need for God’s forgiveness when they fail. The goal of parenting is therefore redemptive since we’re responsible for discipling our children in the faith.

Let’s return to our gardening metaphor. If we want our plants to grow then we know that they need careful managing and they benefit in their early years from growing in a greenhouse to stimulate growth and protect them.

We might need to sit down and work out what we’re trying to do. I’m not about to suggest that we write a curriculum for our family. Temperamentally that’s not me and I don’t think I’m being sinfully neglectful in not doing that. However, I will make sure that we work our way through a Bible and from time to time we’ll take a break to look at a Catechism.

4. The content of instruction

We need to be clear on what we’re ought to include.

The word translated ‘instruction’ in the English version of Ephesians 6 is the Greek word, ‘paideia’ which means tutoring or instruction. It’s a comprehensive word describing all aspects of child training. This activity of instructing our children probably doesn’t come naturally to most parents any more than obedience does to kids. It’s something that we need to learn to do, it’s something that we can learn to do and it’s something that we’re to help with as a church. There are I suggest three big priorities.

a. Teach them the gospel of Christ

The greatest need for all humanity is to escape the justifiable wrath of God upon our sin. It’s no different for our children. Therefore from a very early age they need to know about the forgiveness of sins available through faith in Christ and the joy of living under his rule. The wisdom passed onto me in leading teenager’s camps was that unless a child demonstrates some degree of real understanding and some measure of spiritual fruit, we should not regard the child’s regeneration as a settled matter. This does not mean that we’re constantly challenging our kids to pray a prayer of commitment but it does mean that we mustn’t accept that the gospel is understood.

b. Teach them the doctrine of the Bible

There’s so much that our children need to know about God, Jesus and the Bible. The big issue for us at the moment is ‘where is God?’ That’s got some massive implications and follow up questions that need to be simplified. Would you back yourself in a conversation with a 6-year-old to be able to helpfully instruct them about God’s omnipresence? It’s a tough ask but if we’re not prepared and we dismiss those questions we’ll miss some fabulous opportunities to teach. Our children have a huge privilege that few of us had. They get to grow up in a Christian home where these sorts of questions can be answered.

c. Teach them the wisdom of life

I don’t want to draw a strong distinction between the sacred and the secular, between the spiritual and the worldly. God willing, our kids will grow up as Christians but they’ll do that in the world and so we mustn’t be naïve about the ways in which this world works. We need to prepare them to live in this world. One of the best ways to do this will be to teach them Proverbs. These are a great resource given by God to help us instruct us in wisdom. They’re presented to us in the form of a father passing on wise advice to his son. They are not inviolable promises but instead truisms. Proverbs helps us deal with fearing the Lord, guarding our minds, selecting our companions and watching our words.

To return to our horticultural metaphor, plants need food and compost to provide the nutrients they need for sound and solid growth. That’s what we’re providing.

Now some may accuse us of indoctrination at this point. They’re right. I am deliberately trying to indoctrinate my kids. If by that you mean that I am trying to persuade them of the truth of Christian doctrine. I understand that Richard Dawkins was pointing both barrels at faith schools in his recent Channel 4 programmes because they indoctrinate kids. But he’s naïve to think that secular humanists like him don’t indoctrinate their kids as well. It’s just that they indoctrinate them with falsehood. Though he wouldn’t see it that way. There are some great resources available to help us in this task. For those of us with babies or small children too young to understand I’d encourage you to get in the habit of an evening Bible story with them even now.

5. The manner of instruction

We’ve all been in situations to know that the type of instruction that we can receive is varied. So we need to be clear the way in which we’re to instruct our children. In essence as with all our parenting we’re never to be less than Christian in our parenting. But I think the Bible highlights three specific concerns

a. Diligently

In Deuteronomy 6 Moses says, ‘6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children’, So we’re not to be careless or dismissive of our responsibility. This is something that we need to be conscientious about even if we’re temperamentally more laid back.

b. Comprehensively

Moses continues in Deuteronomy 6, ‘and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the door posts of your house and on your gates’. The image is the kind of opportunistic instruction that only children provide. It’s characteristic of children isn’t it to rebel against the idea of Bible instruction just at the time you’d like to do it and then ask the most searching questions just when it’s most inconvenient. I’m trying at the moment to infuse the whole of life with instruction. So we pray more than we used to, I’ll always try and include God in my answers to the ‘why’ questions that are in vogue at the moment and I’m trying to insure that our house is one in which God’s work is part of the decor.

c. Without exasperating

This is Paul’s warning to fathers in Ephesians 6 and it’s literally ‘don’t provoke to wrath’. Sometimes our children get angry and it’s their fault but Paul is talking about situations where we cause them to develop either outright rebellion or an internal smouldering in response to our authority. We can do that through thoughtlessly aggravating them, deliberately goading them or callously neglecting them. We do it when we show favouritism over one child to another. We do it when we’re inconsistent and parent for our benefit and convenience rather than for their good. We do it when we fail to compensate for their age and ask them to do something unrealistic. And no doubt there are other situations.

To return to our metaphor this is probably like making sure we do the right things in the right seasons. There’s a time to prune and a time to nourish.

Conclusion

The big idea of this talk has been that our task as parents is to instruct our children. We are their principal teachers whose responsibility it is to teach them the gospel, doctrine and wisdom. We’re to do so as living as being part of God’s family is part of the fabric of life. And we do so to help them mature as individuals but especially as disciples of Jesus Christ.

Many women in our congregation would like to be married. As they get older the possibility begins to seem increasingly remote. Social convention, parental expectations and individual aspirations combine to put them under unwelcome pressure. Sustained reflection on their situation in life can lead to profound disappointment. The opportunities for sin to seize upon this disappointment and for it to become an occasion for resentment and bitterness are very real. In addition some may be tempted to try what has characteristically become known as ‘missionary dating’ in the hope that an unbelieving boyfriend will respond to the gospel and become an eligible option for marriage. A number in our congregation have either tried this, are in the middle of them or face increasing pressure to pursue these types of relationships. It would not be fair to suggest that the men in our congregation are guiltless in this matter though the problem is not as prevalent.

What principles ought to govern our thinking on a matter of great sensitivity?

1. Singleness is not inherently worse than marriage

The Bible teaches that both marriage and singleness have a central part to play in God’s purposes. It’s worth remembering that Jesus was single. In Matthew 19 Jesus says that some will remain unmarried because they were born unable to marry, some will have singleness forced upon them by circumstances and still others will renounce marriage for the sake of the Kingdom. Paul takes up this theme in 1 Corinthians 7.

2. Believers should not marry unbelievers

The Bible is very clear on this matter. The Old Testament pattern was never to permit intermarriage with people who were not part of the old covenant people of God. The New Testament applies the same standards to the new covenant people of God. The reasons for this are obvious. The believer and the unbeliever do not share the same spiritual status, the same spiritual priorities or the same spiritual destination.

3. Going out is a preparatory stage

‘Going out’ is not the same as marriage. Whilst the biblical prohibitions against ‘mixed’ marriages do not govern a period of ‘going out’ we must not be naïve about where these relationships could be heading. ‘Going out’ is a culturally acknowledged convention in which marriage is being considered. It’s also a context within which there is increased temptation for inappropriate sexual activity. If there’s no intention of marrying a partner it raises the issue of why an exclusive romantic relationship has been formed at all.

4. ‘Mixed’ marriages are fraught with difficulties

At the outset of marriage few people are able to look into the future and predict the problems that will arise. Paul alludes to the existence of tensions in 1 Corinthians 7 and church leaders would be able to flesh out the details from couples they’ve advised throughout their ministries. People need to see beyond the first few years of marriage and reflect on how life will operate once there are children. It’s often the case that our women have not thought beyond the first five years of marriage. When the implications of a mixed marriage are spelt out they find it emotionally distressing. We need to help them appreciate the difficulties ‘ahead of the game’.

5. Compatibility is overplayed but wise

We should avoid denying that compatibility has some merits. Sometimes in a knee jerk reaction to the stringent standards we can demand from a prospective marriage partner it’s suggested that as long as the person is a Christian, of the opposite gender, unmarried and not a close relative we should go for it. I’m not sure that wisdom would drive us in that direction. However, it would be worth remembering that no one is able to predict with any accuracy how circumstances will shape the development of our characters. Therefore what appears to be overwhelming compatibility in our twenties can become an occasion for disagreement and dissension in our forties.

How should we respond?

• It’s a matter of repentance and faith

The Christian life can be summarised as responding to the Lord in repentance and faith. We need to encourage those in this situation to repent if they have started inappropriate relationships. We also need to encourage them to entrust their futures to the Lord. Most of us find it difficult to trust the Lord when our lives are not going the way we would have designed them. But that’s when trust starts. Anyone can trust the Lord when things go as we’d like. We need to help people to resist the temptations to wallow in self pity, to harbour bitterness and resentment when they don’t.  

• it’s a matter worthy of great compassion

Without being patronising we ought to sympathise with the situation some of our women find themselves in. We’re not a congregation awash with young men and there is a cost to staying and contributing the gospel work of CCB. We should be careful in the terminology we use, the expectations we may fuel of the pattern of the normal life and the acknowledgement we give them that. Without wishing to pander to the sinful thoughts of others nevertheless those of us who are married ought to avoid complaining about our marriages. There are a few in our congregation who’d love to have a go at making a better stab of it than we are!

• it’s a matter that provokes male evangelism

There can be times when the emphasis given to male activities or male evangelism in our congregations is unwelcome. However, this view is short-sighted and ultimately un-loving. The statistics of male to female proportions in local churches make depressing reading. In general our churches are not reaching men. One of the ways in which we can show love to those who struggle with this is to support and encourage male evangelism. There are better reasons for male evangelism than providing blokes for our sisters in Christ to marry but it’s not an awful one. Without at this stage being clear on the specific implications of this it may mean that CCB cultivates a slightly more male friendly atmosphere.

• it’s a matter of great opportunity

Paul doesn’t share the negative view of singleness of our culture. Although we may mock the concept of ‘the spinster’ he thinks she’s in a fortunate position. She has opportunities for ministry and undivided devotion to the Lord not enjoyed by those who are married. In our churches those who are single perform much of the influential ministry. It’s no coincidence that Dick Lucas, John Stott, Jonathan Fletcher and Vaughan Roberts have influential ministries and they are single. The same could be said for Elen Elias, Helen Sheridan, Rosie Dunn & Carrie Sandom in the Co-Mission Initiative. It’s perhaps the case that some Christian women assume that life starts when they get married. We must encourage them not to waste the opportunities that God is giving them for useful service. The transformation that could be wrought in the women of CCB who struggle with this issue by the godly example and open acknowledgement of struggles with temptation in this area could be hugely beneficial. We ought to pray that God either gives us or grows amongst us a mature woman to help our women flourish in the situation God has called them to.

The following books and articles have been helpful on this topic

• ‘Don’t Date a Corpse’, Tom Seidler, Evangelicals Now July 2003

• Relationships Revolution, Nigel Pollock, IVP

• Hanging in There, John Dickson

• God, Sex & Marriage, John Richardson

• The Single Issue, Al Hsu

You’ll notice that men have written all of them so if there are others known to you written by women that would be helpful. In addition the chapter in What Could I Say, Peter Hicks, had some useful things to say. For example, the texts cited in Tom Seidler’s piece 1 Kings 11:1-6, Numbers 25:1, Nehemiah 13:23-27, 2 Corinthians 6:14&15, 1 Corinthians 7:39

Having thought last week about God’s good gift of sex that bonds a man and a woman in a relationship of intimacy we’re now going to think about the only appropriate context for that sexual activity, marriage. We need to remember that such is the power of sexual activity that our loving heavenly Father thinks it ought only to be exercised within the lifelong exclusive partnership of a man and a woman.

It’s often colloquially called the birds and the bees, which is an unusual combination. Why those two animals in particular? Why not the horse and the hippo. Or the tiger and the trout. After all which husband wouldn’t enjoy being greeted in the morning by the phrase, ‘hello tiger!’

Our intention this evening is to think about marriage. I went to a wedding yesterday and so the subject is very much on my mind. The sermon I was asked to preach was Colossians 3:12-17. I thought that was a surprising choice. It’s a passage in which Paul instructs his hearers to clothe themselves and put on various things. I thought it was unusual because weddings normally precede a time of taking things off. After all as Hugh Grant reminds us in 4 Weddings and a Funeral the holiday people go on at the start of their wedding is called a honeymoon because it’s as sweet as honey and it’s the first time a man sees his wife’s bottom!

Regardless of our own marital status thinking about the nature and conduct of marriage will have implications for us. If we’re married and honest then most of us are crying out for practical help. As I’ve suggested before most men would rather stick burning pins in their eyes than talk openly about their relationship but for the sake of our wives, our marriages and one day [God willing] our children we’ll need to give serious consideration to the subject. Contrary to popular belief getting married later in life does not prepare us better for marriage it simply forms deeper grooves in our own patters of selfishness that are hard to avoid in our single state.

If we’re single then this evening’s talk is still applicable.

• Some of us will get married and therefore we’ll be thinking about what may one day be ours. We’ll need to prepare for marriage and there’s no better way than to try and understand what the Bible teaches.
• Some of us may not get married but we’re Christians and therefore rather than envy something that isn’t ours we’ll want to do all that we can to think about how we might encourage, strengthen and comfort those who are married.

To do that we need to be informed about what marriage is like. There can be a ‘conspiracy of silence’ or ‘great deception’ about marriage. All our married friends are thrilled when we get engaged and then when we’re married and we’re finding things tough they tell us it’s always like that. For those of us who are single it may also help to get things in perspective. We can feel that there’s greener grass in the paddock of marriage and this should at least give us a realistic view. I think that sometimes both single men and women make assumptions about marriage that aren’t accurate. If I were to generalise and make sweeping statements for which I’ll later have to apologise most Christian men want to get married for sex and most Christian women want to get married for companionship. Both end up disappointed. But God says that marriage ought to involve both.

The section we’re concerned with is introduced in (18). Paul describes what it means to be filled with the Spirit. The last of which is to be submissive. To be submissive means to subordinate ourselves to another. It’s godly is to be submissive because God is a servant of others. To be submissive doesn’t mean that we can’t lead. We’re to be servant leaders who make decisions in submission to the needs of others. We need to remember that God is not asking us to do anything he’s not himself doing. Within the Trinitarian existence of God the Son delights to submit to, obey and exalt the Father. The Father would never dream of using his authority to do anything but love the Son. God asks his people to demonstrate their submission in various relationships and our supreme motive is out of reverence for Christ.

1. wive