Talk one of three in a series entitled, ‘Nurturing the Next Generation’ [Jan 2006]

I still have vivid memories of the 28th January 2002. It was the day that Rosslyn and I walked out of Barnet General with a son. We put him in the car, drove home and put him in the middle of the room. We looked at him and looked at one another and wondered what to do next! At that point I’d never read a book on parenting. I came from the ‘it can’t be rocket science school of parenting’.

To drive my car I’d needed to pass a test and read the Highway Code but to father a baby the state required no such qualification. If I drive badly I damage a car. Bad parenting damages people. This series is intended to raise this issue for our consideration.

Let me begin with some introductory comments

a. We’re all coming from a particular standpoint.

All seminars, talks and books are written with a particular view of the world in mind. These three talks are therefore no different. It won’t surprise you to learn that since we’re in church they spring from a Christian view of the world. It does mean that there will be certain assumptions in my approach. I’ll have a view on God, the Bible, humankind, family, marriage and the world that comes from a biblical worldview. I happen to be persuaded that there are very strong arguments for accepting this view of the world but I’m a vicar and you’d expect me to say that. There’s every chance that some here don’t as yet feel ready to accept that worldview. That may be an issue that’s anything but settled in your own mind. I’m happy to talk about those things but although I may touch on them in the talks this is probably not the place to defend them.

b. We’re not all parents.

We may hope to be one day but it may seem a long way off at the moment. For some it may never happen. But please don’t think that this series is therefore irrelevant to you. It may be teaching you something that you’ll need to know in the future. But God willing it will also teach you something that you need to know now. We all have or have had parents and we all know parents. And so this series ought to inform our understanding in such a way that we can appreciate and encourage good parenting.

c. We’re all parenting failures.

My working assumption is that there’s only one perfect parent in the whole world and that’s God. He’s as good a parent as we could ever wish for and so there’ll be great value in listening to what he says about this subject. In fact as I’ll go on to argue we can’t really understand families without relating them to him. Of course, a corollary of that truth is that in comparison to God we’re all parenting failures. That puts us all on a level playing field. Our sinful rebellion against God’s right to direct our lives through his word is something shared by us all. It affects our parenting at every level and makes it such hard work. I hope that if we’re willing to admit this and own this truth about ourselves it will lead us all to be humble and honest about our failings with one another. The last thing we want is hypocrisy creeping into our discussions. One of our good friends admitted that a couple of months ago she was so distraught with her toddler that she got down on all fours in Brixton High Street and as the crowd moved around her pleaded with her son to behave. That sort of honesty is endearing and we warm to people who make no pretence. I therefore hope that we won’t struggle to debate the issues or be fearful of what others may say. We can safely assume that we’re all hopeless at this task and so we’re not going to be judgmental or critical. I hope also it means that some of us won’t be overly sensitive.

d. We’d all like some help.

The proliferation of parenting books shows that its advice we crave. A search for books on parenting on Amazon turned up over 27,000 recommendations. Clearly there are lots of people in the world who want to tell us what to do with our children. It could of course be one extraordinarily prolific author. Where do we start? I used to be eager for advice and then discovered that lots of people weren’t reluctant to give it. It all came so thick and fast, it was often contradictory and we weren’t sure who or what to believe. Now I’m less keen. In fact I wonder whether the wisdom required in parenting is not listening to advice but learning to ignore it.

e. We’re all wondering why I’m doing the talks!

Perhaps that thought hadn’t crossed your mind. But hang around for long enough and witness the carnage over coffee as my children arrive and it soon will. Clearly I’m not an expert in parenting. But I’m not claiming to be. I’m just another parent wanting some guidance. There are at present three children depending on the outcome of these talks and so I’m not a disinterested spectator, I’m a fellow participant. As such, in preparation for these sessions I’ve read what are commonly regarded as the best of evangelical, that’s Bible believing, books on this issue and I’ll mention some of those in a moment. And I’ve listened to some helpful talks. But I’m not sure I need to be an expert. If we waited until I was an expert in everything I spoke on we’d have to shut down the church. This is a shared endeavour and I’m anticipating that long after I’ve sat down we’ll be discussing the issues and thinking through the implications in our marriages and with other parents. It’s worth rejoicing that we belong to a church and recognising that God has placed around us people with expertise in various matters that are of help in parenting. We’ve got experts in medical matters with Doctors and Physiotherapists, educational issues with Primary School teachers and developmental issues with Occupational & Speech Therapists to name a few. That’s a great resource to help us in church. And I may deflect some questions towards them. On questions, it’s my intention that there’ll be time for questions each week but that I’ll answer questions left in the question box from the previous week after I’ve had some time to confer!

f. We don’t actually need anything else but the Bible.

The Bible is sufficient for the parenting task. In 2 Timothy 3:16 Paul wrote, ‘All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the ‘man of God’ may be competent, equipped for every good work’. God has given us everything that we need in his word, the Bible for the whole of our Christian lives. That includes the task of parenting. So we don’t actually need to read any of the books on the bookstall. But before I cause Sarah to worry about her stock levels let me say that we’d be foolish not to read and ponder the wisdom of others. We ought to especially pay attention to those books that attempt to engage, explain and simplify the biblical material. I can recommend all the books on the bookstall and they fulfil different functions in the parenting task.

g. We all have ideas and some are strongly held.

One problem with tackling this issue is that most people have preconceived ideas about what constitutes good and bad parenting. Some of those will be formed after reflection on the biblical material and others not. It’s possible for us to hold very strong opinions on these issues and therefore I’m aware that we could be in for some interesting discussions. Let me say we must be careful not to require of one another what the Bible does not require of us. The explicit commands of scripture are few but clear and we should encourage those in one another. But much of our parenting decisions are concerned with applying those principles with freedom and wisdom. Therefore there’s great scope for a variety of approaches and we need to be generous and not critical in our assessment of what others are doing.

h. We’ll need to have realistic expectations.

If we give it a moment’s thought we’ll realise that three 25-minute sermons are not going to give us all that we need to know on this issue. My intention is provide some of the biblical principles of parenting. I’m relying on our concern and our enthusiasm for the task to lead us to take the next step. In fact what I want to do is attempt to summarise the task before us very simply so that those three priorities will be deep convictions against which all of our parenting activity is to be measured. For those who’ve come hoping for ‘ten top tips to transform your terrible two into a terrific toddler’ you’ll leave disappointed. Go to the books for that. I want to plant some biblically derived convictions deep within us that we can use to critically assess the advice that these books pour out. It’s a game in the mind.  I’ve entitled the series ‘Nurturing the Next Generation’ because that seemed to summarise what we’re trying to do in parenting. And the three talks entitled ‘loving our children, teaching our children and disciplining our children’ attempt to expand is entailed by nurturing.

In the time that we’ve got left all I want to do this morning is establish the first of those three priorities, which is to love our children. This principle undergirds and requires the next two. It’s ridiculous to think that we could love our children without teaching them or leaving them uncorrected but those two issues will be dealt with in subsequent weeks.

The big idea of this talk is that God calls parents to love or to serve the children that he gives to them.

1. God provides children as gifts

Look with me at Psalm 127,

‘1 Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. 2 It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. 3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. 4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. 5 Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate’.

This psalm is essentially a song that recognises that God’s active involvement is necessary for success in two important spheres of human existence. First, in (1&2) we cannot protect ourselves against our enemies unless God stands behind us. Secondly, in (3-5) we cannot protect ourselves against injustice unless God provides us with children to argue our case. The idea is that our children will grow up to defend us at the courts by the city gates. God thinks we’re very fortunate if we’re well armed with them.

Tony Payne has written, ‘we don’t think like that, if we were writing the psalm it’d go, Behold, children are just a nuisance, The fruit of the womb a pain in the neck. Like arrows in the backside of a warrior Are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who can persuade his wife to stop at two. He shall not be put to shame When his mates invite him to the pub’.

It’s these last verses that interest us this morning. In them God teaches us that children are his gift to us. We can hope for them but unless he gives them to us we hope in vain. This truth has two obvious implications.

a. Children should be received with thanksgiving.

We need only to talk to those who are experiencing or have experienced great difficulty in conceiving to know that we can’t take it for granted that we’ll have children. When God gives children to us we should be very grateful. That’s perhaps more obvious when it’s our first and when they’re small. It’s hard not to look at a new born baby in amazement, wonder and awe. Feargal Keane the BBC Corespondent in his ‘Letter to Daniel’ in which he writes to his baby boy wrote, ‘Now, looking at your sleeping face, inches away from me, listening to your occasional sigh and gurgle, I wonder how I could have ever thought glory and prizes and praise were sweeter than life’. But as children grow up we’ll also need to remember this when they irritate us, defy us, provoke us and disappoint us. We’ll need to remember that they remain a gift of God to us.

b. Children should be treasured as valuable.

The biblical view of children is unique. In both the Old Testament and the New Testament children are given a significance that was not afforded to them in the surrounding cultures. In the OT child sacrifice was commonplace and in the NT infanticide of especially baby girls was a feature of life in the Roman Empire. Jesus himself modelled a counter cultural approach and acceptance of children.We now inhabit a society that regards the right of a Mother to choose more important than the right of a baby to live and so the Christian view that all human life is valuable is something that we need to keep defending.

Our children are valuable gifts from God for which we always ought to give thanks.

2. God entrusts children to parents

a. God places children in families.

God intends that children should grow up in the context of a family. Kirsten Birkett in her book ‘The Essence of Family’ points out that the concept of family is one that is derived from God. God has a family. He is a Father with a son, the Lord Jesus Christ. And he adopts into his family for all eternity those who exercise faith in Christ. In Ephesians 3 Paul assumes that all families are derivatives of this pattern. And so we ought always to have before us the model that God is the parenting standard towards which we ought to be aiming. The responsibility for children therefore falls to the parents not to the Government, not to teachers and not to Sunday school.

b. God requires that both parents are involved.

The translation Look at Proverbs 1:8, ‘Hear, my son, your father’s instruction and forsake not your mother’s teaching’. The idea is repeated in 6:20. Parenting is a dual responsibility. There are different responsibilities within the family. It’s not a competitive but co-operative venture. Our definition of family is usually Mum, Dad and some kids. It revolves around the kids and is held together by Mum. But in the Bible the expectation is that at the centre of the family is a Father who leads and takes responsibility for his tribe. That sometimes doesn’t happen because the father is so often absent. He can be absent because work commitments demand so much of him. Or perhaps less forgivable he can be absent even though he’s present. Most Mums will not resent the intrusion of some fatherly involvement into the parenting process but after 5 days of fluids, whinging and tantrums will be very grateful for our renewed involvement.

3. God expects children to be nurtured in godliness

Look with me at Mark 3:31-34, ‘31 And his mother and his brothers came, and standing outside they sent to him and called him. 32 And a crowd was sitting around him, and they said to him, "Your mother and your brothers are outside, seeking you." 33 And he answered them, "Who are my mother and my brothers?" 34 And looking about at those who sat around him, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! 35 Whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother."

In Jesus’ thinking the earthly family is not the ultimate family. There’s another family that’s more important than our own. In an age where we might perhaps idolise the family this is a truth with massive implications in terms of what we hope for our children. Belonging to God’s family has a prior claim on our allegiance and that of our children. The OT prophet Malachi argues that God entrusted children to parents so that they might produce godly offspring. It’s as though God gives children to us with the intention that we should nurture them and in order to give them back to him. God intends that we will nurture those he’s given us responsibility for so that they will grow up as mature well-rounded followers of Jesus Christ. That is not to say that their conversion or their growth in godliness is something over which we have total control. God is the one who brings people to new life. But it is to acknowledge that we can parent with the confident expectation that God is favourably disposed to our children and that he uses us as partners in that enterprise.

That’s quite a responsibility isn’t it? It’s as though we’re the pastors of our own home church, which is how the Puritans of the 17th Century understood their role. And it’s why the NT epistles require deacons and elders to have demonstrated their suitability for leading the household of God.

At times it might feel that the goal of parenting is crowd control or perhaps in our better moments to produce well rounded individuals to take up their place in society and contribute something towards it. But we will have failed in our responsibility unless we have sought to pastor our children in the faith.

To be a biblical parent and seek God’s agenda for their lives we’ll seek to parent the way God intends for the goal that God intends. If we don’t do it this way them we’re working against the rub and we can expect that to be hard work. We need to have two perspectives in focus.

a. We need to remember creation.

In creation God made the world and designed to function in a particular way. He is the inventor of families, parents, husbands and wives and children. Unless we want to argue that he’s a careless or unloving creator he gave some thought to the way that his creation should function. God’s instructions as the creator will therefore give us the essence of parenting. We’ll perhaps need to keep this in mind as we consider the subjects of instruction and discipline.

b. We need to remember the New Creation.

This world is not all that there is. There’s a paradise existence beyond the grave opened up for us through Christ’s death. We call it heaven the Bible usually calls it the New Creation. Therefore the goal of parenting has to bear in mind that we’re not simply preparing our children for life in this world but ultimately we’re preparing our children to enjoy life in the next.

We’re sinners and we’ll constantly feel the temptation to step back from obeying God in this matter. But children are sinners as well and that leads to the final point.

4. God requires children to honour and obey

Look at Ephesians 6.

6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honour your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

God’s pattern for families requires children to honour and obey the parents whom God has placed in authority over them.

It’s a common biblical theme that God invests authority in those to whom he gives responsibility. Fathers in particular we learn have responsibility for raising the children with discipline and instruction. God has given authority to parents over their children. But as with all biblical authority it’s not the right to abuse or manipulate those under our direction. Biblical authority is really the permission to make decisions for the well being of those in our care. It’s not something that’s opposed to love it’s something required in order to love.

To love our children means to serve them. Biblical love is not an emotion it’s an activity. Love’s not primarily those wonderful feelings of infatuation and desire that they provoke in us when they’re adorable. Love is a decision to place their needs before our own when they provoke us to something else! It’s impossible to love our children without God’s permission to have some measure of control over what they do. If worth realising that if we raise children who will not submit to our decisions we will cause them to forfeit our loving direction.

Why do we need to be told to love our children? That may seem surprising to some of us. There are two reasons. Children are sinners and so are parents!

Children are not born morally neutral or morally innocent and end up being corrupted by influences around them. They, like us, are born with a bias to rebellion against God and His wise advice for life and we’ll be surprised how early that disobedience is manifested.

But we’re sinners as well. If we’re honest we’ll admit that we have to fight against our fundamental interest in ourselves before thinking about anyone else. The NT is brutally honest about the ongoing influence of our impulse to selfishness. It’s something that we’ll have to battle until our dying day. Therefore when children make demands on us we may not always feel like responding in love and quite often we’ll resent it. It’s helpful to anticipate it so that we recognise it when it happens.

Conclusion

Let me summarise what we’ve thought about this morning.

Through the kindness of God we have brought children into existence and we are tasked with the responsibility of caring and providing for them.

God has given us the authority we need to fulfil this function. To fathers he has given authority over the entire family and to parents he has given joint authority over the children.

Working together in partnership we are to live our lives in the light of the prior and more profound family membership available through the gospel of Jesus Christ. We’re to ensure that we’re part of that family ourselves. But we must also lead our family so that they will join us in the New Creation.

The third session of three in a series entitled ‘Nurturing the Next Generation’ [Jan 2006]

Disciplining our Children

If I thought I was taking a risk in dealing with a subject like parenting given the strong opinions held by some on the application of the Bible’s principles then I don’t know what we’d say about tackling the subject of discipline! We can’t deal with this subject without saying something about smacking and it may well be that we have clear views on that subject. There are those who assume that everyone who smacks are guilty of child abuse and take their parenting lead from Attila the Hun. There are those who assume that those who don’t smack are libertarian latte lefties who are only moments away from suggesting that the next church away day should involve compulsory tree hugging. Before we get to that subject I trust we’ll spend some useful time thinking about the big picture.

Recap

I’ve summarised the task of parenting as nurture. The three principles that expand upon that task have been the titles for our three talks. Loving, teaching and disciplining our children are like 3 sides of a triangle. They enclose the task and provide boundaries for our parenting. We fail in our responsibilities when one of these boundaries is transgressed. But within those boundaries there’s scope to apply these principles with wisdom and freedom. Rather than seek to provide an exhaustive guide to parenting I’ve attempted to be comprehensive and in particular imbed those three deep convictions in our psyche so that they become the principles to govern our parenting.

Summary

The big idea in the first week was that God has given us responsibility to love the children that he graciously gives us. God has given parents the authority we need to take responsibility for their children so that they can make decisions to act in love. Parents are to serve their children with particular regard to the family that God is gathering in heaven and therefore do all that we can to lead them there. Last week the big idea was that our task as parents is to instruct our children. We’re the principal teachers whose responsibility it is to teach them the gospel, doctrine and wisdom. We must do that in such a way that living as being part of God’s family is just part of the fabric of life so that we help them mature as disciples of Jesus Christ. Introduction Our concern this week is the subject of disciplining our children. To do that I thought it would be useful to spend our time in Hebrews 12.

3 Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. 4 In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. 6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." 7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

The author begins with three introductory comments. He says to his readers

• Let’s consider Jesus (3) who is the example par excellence of enduring suffering under persecution from opponents.

• Let’s get some perspective (4) and not exaggerate how hard it is, no one had had to die for the faith.

• Let’s remember proverbs (5&6). The author quotes from Proverbs 3:11&12 because the original readers had forgotten that in the experience of persecution their loving heavenly father was treating them as sons. These comments set the context. The author is dealing with Christians suffering under persecution he’s not dealing with parents struggling with the toddlers. However, to make his point about God’s fatherly treatment of his children the author employs an analogy. The relationship of Christians to God is analogous to that of children to parents. For this analogy to work the author presupposes an approach to parenting and discipline that permits pain and unpleasantness in the training of a child. In response just as sons should neither scorn nor treat as insignificant the loving discipline of their fathers neither should the Christian treat as worthless nor lose heart through the experience of the Lord’s discipline. The rationale for taking seriously the Lord’s discipline is that rather than it denying the existence of a loving relationship it presupposes and underpins it.

In (7) the author begins his exposition of the Proverb. He makes the following 5 points about discipline.

1. Discipline is Required

Look at (7), ‘God is treating you as sons’.

Discipline is required because this is what Fathers in particular, but parents in general, have authority to do. God requires this of us because this is the function that he’s invested our position with. Therefore it inevitably and unavoidably comes with the territory of being a parent. If we choose not to discipline our children we’re being disobedient to God and failing to respond to his word in repentance and faith.

a. But what are we talking about when we speak of discipline?

The Greek word translated ‘discipline’ or ‘admonition’ in some English versions from Ephesians 6 is the word ‘nouthesia’. It’s a word that speaks of rebuke or warning. But, it also communicates the sense of mild, loving parental discipline. It’s virtually synonymous with the word translated ‘instruction’ which is another broad word that also includes the idea of training. To train a child means not only providing the basic content of what should be done but also instilling that content through practice and discipline. And so it’s a total training package with positive commendation and reward as well as punishing misdeeds. It has the idea of rebuking wrong behaviour and reinforcing right behaviour. And so I’m trying to be as positive about things that the kids do well as I am vigilant about their transgressions.

And so in the same way that our loving heavenly father uses his word to correct, rebuke, train and encourage so we should aim for that with our kids. We must chastise, censure and reprimand them for their disobedience and underline that with physical discipline where appropriate but we must also implore, exhort and reward them for their obedience. The goal is to correct the child’s behaviour and we do that through positive and negative consequences.

It’s like rugby training. It’s probably like Ballet as well but I haven’t got the experience or the will power to try and make that illustration work! There’s some basic content that’s necessary to teach them like basic skills, moves and laws of the game. And then there’s some hard practice in which we work but its followed by rewards like the praise of your coach, being picked for a team and winning a match. But there’s also punishment like earning the coach’s displeasure, being dropped from the team and having to do remedial fitness.

The purpose of those things is not to exact retribution but to train them in developing the skills that are necessary to play well in the game of rugby. We’re just trying to do that in life.

b. Why does God require parents to discipline?

In the same way that God has appointed the civil magistrate to punish the wrongdoer so God has instituted parents to discipline their children for their wrongdoing. But I want to preserve a difference in our thinking between judicial punishment for sin and parental discipline for misbehaviour.

God models this in his treatment of us as sons. God punishes the wicked for their sins but he disciplines his children. The wicked will suffer the eternal condemnation of God for their sins. In doing that God is seeking retribution in accordance with justice. With his children he seeks not to punish but to discipline. It’s not primarily punitive but corrective. Therefore, we cannot punish our children for their sins. Punishment with a big ‘P’ is what’s dealt with by Christ on the cross or us in the judgement. Punishment with a little ‘p’ is the negative consequences of misbehaviour in this life. Discipline involves little ‘p’ punishment. Parents ought not to think of what they do as punishment but as discipline through the application of positive and negative consequences. We’re not exacting retribution for whatever heinous crime they’ve committed with their sister’s dolly we’re training them to replace something wrong with something right.

c. So what does discipline do?

Discipline teaches the idea that there are consequences to our behaviour. If you like it’s the framework of reward and punishment for behaviour that every child needs. They need to know that behaviour has consequences. That’s true in this life and it’s the basis for entry into the next.

Discipline presupposes that there’s a day on which God will punish sin. Rather than teaching our children that our obedience merits our inclusion in heaven and encourages a mentality of works it is in fact the necessary framework that they need to understand the gospel.

Discipline communicates very clearly that there’s something very wrong in the way that the child has behaved. It reminds them that misbehaviour brings us into conflict with God’s law because God requires children to obey their authorities. Though discipline is not punishment for sin it is a reminder that in disobeying their parents they have disobeyed God. This is always wrong and we need to be reminded of how serious that is.

Discipline teaches the need for forgiveness when they do wrong. Without this how could anyone truly understand the work of Christ in taking our punishment for us? One of my lecturers at college used to illustrate this on Good Friday by swapping places with the kids when they were told to sit on the stairs.

d. Why is discipline necessary?

Because children are not morally neutral with an information deficit so that all we need to do is tell them the right thing and they’ll do it unfailingly for the rest of their lives. They, like us, possess hearts that our factories of wickedness. If we believe this it’ll mean we won’t have unrealistically high standards for our children and we won’t be surprised by their misbehaviour. Your little girl may look as sweet as anything we’ve ever seen on a Pampers advert but what lurks beneath is the capacity for unrestrained evil!

Some of us may need to do some reading and listen to some tapes to be encouraged to believe God’s word on this. Our culture is a long way from this and if that’s been one of our most significant influences we’ll find ourselves reeling at this point. But we need to be warned that to deprive children of discipline is to give full reign to their sinful nature.

2. Discipline is Normal

Look at (7) ‘For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.’

Discipline is normal. For a child to be without discipline in their life is abnormal. In fact, the absence of discipline from a father questions the legitimacy of a claim to be a son.

But it’s normal because it’s an expression of love. Proverbs 13:24 ‘Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him’. God equates neglect of discipline with hatred. Proverbs 29:15 ‘The rod and reproof (physical and verbal) give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother’. The notion that we could claim to love our children and not discipline them is alien to the Bible’s way of thinking. Discipline is a sign of ownership and identification. Consider this

If at the end of the meeting we see a child wandering around and there’s no obvious oversight of that child and no obvious correction when they misbehave what conclusion are we to draw? Probably, they’re the vicar’s kids! But also that kid has no parents. There’s something wrong about an unattended abandoned child.

The Bible goes even further and employs shocking language. Proverbs 19:18 ‘Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death’. God equates neglect of discipline with murder, if we won’t discipline we may as well give them up to death.

Let’s not in effect divorce our children by our neglect of their need for discipline. How could we ever have got to the state where discipline is thought to be at odds with love?

3. Discipline is Expected

Look at (9) ‘We have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them’.

Discipline is expected within the parent child relationship. The point here is that kids should not find in discipline a reason to disrespect their parents. Quite the opposite. Clearly if we discipline badly we risk forfeiting the respect and honour that ought to be ours. It seems to me that we can do that

• If discipline is simply an opportunity to vent our frustration. And so we must ensure that we discipline based on the kids’ behaviour rather than on our feelings. The issue is not how much they’re winding us up or how tired we are. It ought to be that they’re able to tell us why they’re being disciplined.
• If we overstep the mark and punish harshly. And so we need to try and make the punishment fit the crime. Taking our time over punishment can be a useful thing and some time out on the stairs allows everyone to cool down and assess the situation calmly.
• If we’re inconsistent. And so we need to make sure that the enforcement of rules should be consistent across time and parents. This is perhaps a danger for Dads who can undermine the weeklong efforts of Mum in the space of a weekend. If we’ve spent the week at work and seen nothing of them we don’t fancy a discipline war.
• If we’re unclear. The kids need to know what’s allowed and what’s not. They also need to know the difference between God’s rules and house rules. We can’t have them growing up thinking that God doesn’t allow us to stand on the sofa. But they need to know that generosity, kindness and patience aren’t characteristics peculiar to Mummy. It helps for the rules of the game to be clear and especially to signal when there’s been an amendment in the rules after parental discussion. Having a surly attitude and being stroppy when being asked to do something is now punishable with discipline in our family. But we felt it only fair to alert the kids what it is, why its out of bounds and what the penalties for infringement are.
• If we don’t treat make allowances for the differences in our kids. Age, temperament and gender all ought to influence the strategy we use. One writer suggested that young babies should be brought into a totalitarian regime in which the parent rules absolutely over everything but as they grow up the restrictions should be lifted.

We’re teaching our kids something by our discipline, that’s inescapable. But it’s worth asking what are we teaching. Are we teaching that Mum and Dad have been given authority by God to be obeyed? Are we teaching them that discipline is what happens when Dad loses it? Does our discipline causes our kids to respect us or not?

4. Discipline is Beneficial

Look at (10) ‘For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness’.

Discipline is beneficial. Parents discipline for the good of their children. We’re supposed to do this because it’s in the best interests of the kids God has given us to love. Proverbs puts it this way, ‘Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him’ [22:15]. Discipline removes foolishness from the core of our child’s being. It’s also beneficial to us! Proverbs 29:17 ‘Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart’.

We must go on remembering that because for a variety of reasons we’ll be tempted to ease up and neglect this. But if we do we need to be warned that we’re nurturing a fool.

5. Discipline is Painful

Look at (11) ‘For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant’.

Notice that God is quite prepared to cause even his children pain. He does this because he knows its necessary to produce the harvest of righteousness that he longs for. Discipline can be painful, it hurts and it’s unpleasant. But this shouldn’t take us by surprise. In a fallen world such as this is there are countless situations where we need to inflict pain to put something right. When I dislocated my shoulder playing rugby I was grateful that the Doctor inflicted pain to relocate it and make it work again.

As we get onto this discussion we’ll need to clarify some basic groundwork

• Though secular child psychologists seem reluctant to admit it there is a world of difference between child abuse and a loving smack. Parental discipline should never injure the child, it’s not permission to strike our child whenever we wish and the intention is not to damage the child. The only responsibility the Bible gives for this is the parents so we’re not allowed to smack any child and neither should we ask anyone else to smack ours.

• Physical discipline should be administered in love, should be measured and never employed in a fit of rage. It seems perverse to think that we could be punishing our children for a sin whilst we’re actively engaged in one ourselves. We’d be naïve to believe that before long they’ll spot the hypocrisy of that.

The rod in scripture

There’s a wide usage of the term ‘rod’ throughout the Bible. It’s used to imply the beating of slaves and the guidance of sheep. The use of the word in one context does not determine nor limit its use in another context. The plain reading of the proverbial material is that a type of stick or club was used in disciplining Israelite children. Therefore the ‘rod’ can refer to physical punishment of one’s own children.

But the rod is also used metaphorically or symbolically of a broad range of strategies for disciplining. So I’m not persuaded that every time we punish our children God expects us to beat them with a stick. So while the rod can definitely include literally hitting a child with an object its fullest meaning includes any form of unpleasant discipline designed to teach our kids a lesson. We’ve not had cause to use anything than our hands so far but it may be that as the boys in particular grow up Rosslyn may need to employ an implement!

Mothers you may be an obstacle at this point. You can be too tender. It’s the way you’re wired. We mustn’t let them grow up hardhearted and stiff-necked. So we need to know that it can kill our kids.

For what it’s worth our smacking routine goes something like this

We take them into another room so that it’s a private affair between parent, God and them. There’s no intention to humiliate them publicly. I won’t smack in public since it’s misunderstood and we can always save it up for home.

We identify the misdemeanour so that they understand what they’ve done wrong. It’s usually not a lack of understanding but a lack of responsibility that’s the issue! The big issues for us at the moment are disobedience, disrespect and dishonesty and they are smacked.

We clarify that God has made us parents to look after them. God wants them supposed to do what we say. When they don’t, they’re being naughty and not doing what God says. We explain that the purpose of a smack is to make the consequences of disobedience unforgettable. We say something like, ‘God allows Mummy and Daddy to smack us so that we remember it’s always silly to be naughty’. They cry. We hug. Then we pray. They ask for forgiveness and help to be obedient. We ask for help to be good parents.

Conclusion

The picture we get from that quick overview of Hebrews 12 is that discipline is an inevitable and desirable accompaniment to the parenting process. So far from being the dodgoire interpretation of a few proof texts applied by a rabidly fundamentalist parent its what the plain reading of the Bible means. How we choose to apply that to those whom the Lord has given us to love and instruct is a matter for discussion with your husband and wife.

Proverbs puts it like this [23:13&14] ‘Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.’

Talk two of three in a series entitled, ‘Nurturing the Next Generation’ Jan 2006

I’ve attempted to summarise the task of parenting as nurture. The three principles that expand upon that task are the titles for our three talks. They are to love, teach and discipline our children.

In this series we’re attempting to imbed three deep convictions in our psyche so that they become the principles that govern our parenting. They’re like 3 sides of a triangle that enclose the task and therefore provide boundaries for the task of parenting. We fail in our responsibilities when one of these boundaries is transgressed

• We mustn’t fail to love our children
• We mustn’t fail to instruct our children
• We mustn’t fail to discipline our children

But within those boundaries there’s scope to apply these principles with wisdom and freedom.

Summary

The big idea last week was that God has given us responsibility to love the children that he graciously gives us. You’ll remember that biblical love is an activity not a feeling and is expressed in serving others for the sake of their well being. We look back to the first creation from which we learn that families are God’s way of organising communities. And therefore it’s to him that we seek the guidance we need to manage our families and organise them in accordance with his design. A failure to do so will mean that it’s like trying to run a complex piece of machinery without referring to the instruction manual. But we also look to the new creation from which we learn that God has a family with whom he’ll spend all of eternity. It’s a family made up of sons and daughters who’ve been adopted into his family through faith in Jesus Christ. And so there’s a destination to which we’re heading and to which we’re to take our family.

Introduction

Our concern this week is the subject of teaching our children. In Proverbs 22:6 God encourages us to confidently expect that efforts to train a child will bear fruit. The writer says, ‘train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it’. Much as we’d like it to be this is not a cast iron guarantee that if we pay attention to our responsibility to teach our children that they will inevitably grow up to be the people that we hope they will be. Proverbs don’t function like that. They’re truisms. And so, in general it’s observable that if we train our children then they will take these principles to heart as they mature. There are five things to say about our pastoring our little church.

1. The responsibility for instruction

If everyone else is assuming that this is someone else’s responsibility a generation of children will grow up neglected and ignorant. And so we need to be clear on whose job this is.

In Genesis 18:19 God spoke to Abraham about the impending destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah when He said,

‘Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do, seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him? For I have chosen him, that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing righteousness and justice, so that the Lord may bring to Abraham what he has promised him.’

Notice that God laid upon Abraham as a father the responsibility for instructing his family and descendants.

In Ephesians 6, Paul wrote,

‘Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.’

Once again it’s fathers who are given principal responsibility for instructing the kids.

In 1 Thessalonians 2:7 Paul compared his own ministry among that congregation in terms of both parents. He wrote,

‘But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. 8 So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us. 9 For you remember, brothers, our labour and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, while we proclaimed to you the gospel of God. 10 You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers. 11 For you know how, like a father with his children, 12 we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.’

Notice that mothers took care for the needs of their children often working long hours to nurse them. But fathers were not exempt and they too were expected to take on their share of the work by exhorting, encouraging and charging their children to walk through life in a manner that befits those on their way to God’s eternal kingdom. The two Greek words used for exhort and encourage both contain the Greek word ‘para’, which means alongside. They’re used because they depict the Father drawing alongside his children as a coach might draw alongside a runner in a marathon to encourage and urge. That’s a lovely image of the task that Fathers have. As we thought about last week, the responsibility for instruction is a shared one between Mother and Father. But as the head of the family husbands need to take it upon themselves to ensure instruction is provided. And I don’t think the Bible has in mind that we devolve that responsibility to our wives. Let’s use a metaphor that’ll help us understand our task as we go through the material. Imagine that we wanted to grow and cultivate a garden. The first thing we’d need to know is who was doing what. If we all think it’s our job to dig and no one thinks it’s their job to plant we’ll end up with prepared ground but no growth.

We’re growing up in a culture where we’re increasingly taking advantage of the specialisation of skills. Often that’s a useful thing. One of the reasons why we’re unlikely to ‘home school’ our children is because the state has provided trained teachers to educate our children with a sound and thorough knowledge of their subjects and child development. I might have an issue with whether in practice that’s done in support of the parents’ responsibility for children or whether they undermine this. But in principal I’m happy to provide my children with a secular education. The danger is that we abdicate all responsibility for teaching them ourselves. This is perhaps more the case in the spiritual realm than the secular. It’s quite normal for us to place our children in Sunday school and expect that team of very able and godly teachers to provide our children with the spiritual sustenance and direction that we’re supposed to be providing. But it’s a partnership and in reality they can only supplement what we give them at home since they get the kids for less than an hour a week.

2. The need for instruction

Most of us have lives that we feel are running pretty close to capacity already and if we’re being asked to make room for something new we need to be clear on why we need to do it. There are three main reasons why kids need us to instruct them.

a. Children are exposed to peer pressure

Children need our instruction because we’re asking them to grow up in a world that’s often hostile to God and his ways. We ought to assume that very few of the influences acting on our children will encourage them to live for Jesus Christ. And so if anyone is going to help them cope with the pressure to conform and reject the non-Christian worldview that’s prevalent in our society we’re going to have to help them.

b. Children are inclined to sinful activity

Our children are not born innocent and they will not grow up naturally to become disciples of Jesus Christ. In Christianity Explored this week we had to rehearse the fact that the Bible’s view of human beings is that from the moment we’re conceived we’re sinful. That is, each one of us has an inclination to instinctively reject God and his commands. Therefore the influence of a peer group is often nudging kids towards a direction that they’re keen to go in already.

c. Children are vulnerable to danger

Children are by nature immature in every way. They are not yet ready for independence. This is one reason why it’s a kindness of God to give children parents to obey. One of our priorities at the moment is to encourage the kids to understand that God has given them Mummy and Daddy to look after them. We want what’s best for them and therefore they need to trust us when we explain why we’re asking them to do something. It’s fair to say that I’ve yet to win the argument with Flora about the importance of drinking milk despite the impressive dietary arguments I’ve marshalled in favour of my point of view. It feels like the philosophical conundrum of what happens when the immovable object meets the irresistible force.

If we were trying to cultivate a garden and we simply left it alone to do its own thing and be acted upon by the culture around it we have no idea how it would turn out. It’s likely to be an unruly mess. It’s unlikely to be neat and contained. It’s one thing to leave a garden to grow wild but it’s another thing to condemn a child to that.

Our nurseries and our primary schools will not teach our children to follow Christ. It’s our responsibility.

One of the most striking things in recent years is the way in which the media has begun to undermine the authority of parents. I’ve not conducted a survey since I’m deliberately trying to watch less TV. But I suspect it would bear out my assertion that most depictions of parents on TV are less than flattering views a million miles away from the biblical concept of loving service. Whether they mean to or not the media undermines the authority of parents. One of the things that we’ll need to rehearse with our children is that they are people under our authority.

3. The aim of instruction

Someone once said that ‘if we aim at nothing we’ll hit nothing’. It’s not a proverb but it sounds like it ought to be. But we do need to be clear what we’re trying to accomplish through our instruction so that we know what we’re trying to do. In Luke 2:52 Jesus is described in the following way,

‘And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favour with God and man’.

Now I don’t think that Luke is attempting to give us a medical blueprint for child development at this point. However, notice that he does express Jesus’ growth in terms of four categories. Intellectual [wisdom], physical [stature], spiritual [favour with God] and social [favour with men]. I think it’s helpful to maintain that sort of holistic view of a child’s development and not to think solely in terms of one narrow area. Of course if we’re Christian parents then we’ll give priority to their spiritual development and we mustn’t underestimate the influence that spiritual maturity will have in other areas. But we mustn’t think of spiritual maturity in limited terms, it’s more for example than knowledge of the scriptures. It’s hardly spiritually mature to be able to recount all the books of the Minor Prophets but be unable to be kind towards others.

For many of us valuing our own education and now growing up among the ‘aspirational’ middle classes our danger will be to prioritise the intellectual development of their children so that they can get into the better schools and the finer universities. That’s not my sin, mine is to prioritise physical development especially important things like running, kicking and catching! I’ve long thought that sport opens up more doors than a degree.

For others it may be the social skills. Listen to this quote from John MacArthur.

‘The goal of parenting is not behaviour control – it’s not merely to produce well mannered children. It’s not to teach our kids socially commendable behaviour. It is not to make them polite and respectful. It is not to make them obedient. It is not to get them to perform for our approval. It is not to conform them to a moral standard. It is not to give us, as parents, something to be proud of.’

For whatever reason the aspect of our children that receives most attention is what they do, especially in public. Unless we’re careful to address the deeper issue of motivation we’re in danger of nurturing a generation of hypocrites because much of our parenting is concerned with behavioural control not behavioural motivation.

In Proverbs 4:23 the writer warns, ‘keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life’. Jesus said much the same thing in Luke 6 and Mark 7. We must therefore target the heart. In his book ‘Shepherding the Heart’, Ted Tripp deals with this issue at length and I commend that to you. But in brief we need to help our children understand that their hearts are the problem and where the battle will be won. They need to know that they have hearts that don’t desire the right things, they need to understand temptation and learn to resist it and they need to understand their need for God’s forgiveness when they fail. The goal of parenting is therefore redemptive since we’re responsible for discipling our children in the faith.

Let’s return to our gardening metaphor. If we want our plants to grow then we know that they need careful managing and they benefit in their early years from growing in a greenhouse to stimulate growth and protect them.

We might need to sit down and work out what we’re trying to do. I’m not about to suggest that we write a curriculum for our family. Temperamentally that’s not me and I don’t think I’m being sinfully neglectful in not doing that. However, I will make sure that we work our way through a Bible and from time to time we’ll take a break to look at a Catechism.

4. The content of instruction

We need to be clear on what we’re ought to include.

The word translated ‘instruction’ in the English version of Ephesians 6 is the Greek word, ‘paideia’ which means tutoring or instruction. It’s a comprehensive word describing all aspects of child training. This activity of instructing our children probably doesn’t come naturally to most parents any more than obedience does to kids. It’s something that we need to learn to do, it’s something that we can learn to do and it’s something that we’re to help with as a church. There are I suggest three big priorities.

a. Teach them the gospel of Christ

The greatest need for all humanity is to escape the justifiable wrath of God upon our sin. It’s no different for our children. Therefore from a very early age they need to know about the forgiveness of sins available through faith in Christ and the joy of living under his rule. The wisdom passed onto me in leading teenager’s camps was that unless a child demonstrates some degree of real understanding and some measure of spiritual fruit, we should not regard the child’s regeneration as a settled matter. This does not mean that we’re constantly challenging our kids to pray a prayer of commitment but it does mean that we mustn’t accept that the gospel is understood.

b. Teach them the doctrine of the Bible

There’s so much that our children need to know about God, Jesus and the Bible. The big issue for us at the moment is ‘where is God?’ That’s got some massive implications and follow up questions that need to be simplified. Would you back yourself in a conversation with a 6-year-old to be able to helpfully instruct them about God’s omnipresence? It’s a tough ask but if we’re not prepared and we dismiss those questions we’ll miss some fabulous opportunities to teach. Our children have a huge privilege that few of us had. They get to grow up in a Christian home where these sorts of questions can be answered.

c. Teach them the wisdom of life

I don’t want to draw a strong distinction between the sacred and the secular, between the spiritual and the worldly. God willing, our kids will grow up as Christians but they’ll do that in the world and so we mustn’t be naïve about the ways in which this world works. We need to prepare them to live in this world. One of the best ways to do this will be to teach them Proverbs. These are a great resource given by God to help us instruct us in wisdom. They’re presented to us in the form of a father passing on wise advice to his son. They are not inviolable promises but instead truisms. Proverbs helps us deal with fearing the Lord, guarding our minds, selecting our companions and watching our words.

To return to our horticultural metaphor, plants need food and compost to provide the nutrients they need for sound and solid growth. That’s what we’re providing.

Now some may accuse us of indoctrination at this point. They’re right. I am deliberately trying to indoctrinate my kids. If by that you mean that I am trying to persuade them of the truth of Christian doctrine. I understand that Richard Dawkins was pointing both barrels at faith schools in his recent Channel 4 programmes because they indoctrinate kids. But he’s naïve to think that secular humanists like him don’t indoctrinate their kids as well. It’s just that they indoctrinate them with falsehood. Though he wouldn’t see it that way. There are some great resources available to help us in this task. For those of us with babies or small children too young to understand I’d encourage you to get in the habit of an evening Bible story with them even now.

5. The manner of instruction

We’ve all been in situations to know that the type of instruction that we can receive is varied. So we need to be clear the way in which we’re to instruct our children. In essence as with all our parenting we’re never to be less than Christian in our parenting. But I think the Bible highlights three specific concerns

a. Diligently

In Deuteronomy 6 Moses says, ‘6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children’, So we’re not to be careless or dismissive of our responsibility. This is something that we need to be conscientious about even if we’re temperamentally more laid back.

b. Comprehensively

Moses continues in Deuteronomy 6, ‘and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the door posts of your house and on your gates’. The image is the kind of opportunistic instruction that only children provide. It’s characteristic of children isn’t it to rebel against the idea of Bible instruction just at the time you’d like to do it and then ask the most searching questions just when it’s most inconvenient. I’m trying at the moment to infuse the whole of life with instruction. So we pray more than we used to, I’ll always try and include God in my answers to the ‘why’ questions that are in vogue at the moment and I’m trying to insure that our house is one in which God’s work is part of the decor.

c. Without exasperating

This is Paul’s warning to fathers in Ephesians 6 and it’s literally ‘don’t provoke to wrath’. Sometimes our children get angry and it’s their fault but Paul is talking about situations where we cause them to develop either outright rebellion or an internal smouldering in response to our authority. We can do that through thoughtlessly aggravating them, deliberately goading them or callously neglecting them. We do it when we show favouritism over one child to another. We do it when we’re inconsistent and parent for our benefit and convenience rather than for their good. We do it when we fail to compensate for their age and ask them to do something unrealistic. And no doubt there are other situations.

To return to our metaphor this is probably like making sure we do the right things in the right seasons. There’s a time to prune and a time to nourish.

Conclusion

The big idea of this talk has been that our task as parents is to instruct our children. We are their principal teachers whose responsibility it is to teach them the gospel, doctrine and wisdom. We’re to do so as living as being part of God’s family is part of the fabric of life. And we do so to help them mature as individuals but especially as disciples of Jesus Christ.