Talk one of three in a series entitled, ‘Nurturing the Next Generation’ [Jan 2006]
I still have vivid memories of the 28th January 2002. It was the day that Rosslyn and I walked out of Barnet General with a son. We put him in the car, drove home and put him in the middle of the room. We looked at him and looked at one another and wondered what to do next! At that point I’d never read a book on parenting. I came from the ‘it can’t be rocket science school of parenting’.
To drive my car I’d needed to pass a test and read the Highway Code but to father a baby the state required no such qualification. If I drive badly I damage a car. Bad parenting damages people. This series is intended to raise this issue for our consideration.
Let me begin with some introductory comments
a. We’re all coming from a particular standpoint.
All seminars, talks and books are written with a particular view of the world in mind. These three talks are therefore no different. It won’t surprise you to learn that since we’re in church they spring from a Christian view of the world. It does mean that there will be certain assumptions in my approach. I’ll have a view on God, the Bible, humankind, family, marriage and the world that comes from a biblical worldview. I happen to be persuaded that there are very strong arguments for accepting this view of the world but I’m a vicar and you’d expect me to say that. There’s every chance that some here don’t as yet feel ready to accept that worldview. That may be an issue that’s anything but settled in your own mind. I’m happy to talk about those things but although I may touch on them in the talks this is probably not the place to defend them.
b. We’re not all parents.
We may hope to be one day but it may seem a long way off at the moment. For some it may never happen. But please don’t think that this series is therefore irrelevant to you. It may be teaching you something that you’ll need to know in the future. But God willing it will also teach you something that you need to know now. We all have or have had parents and we all know parents. And so this series ought to inform our understanding in such a way that we can appreciate and encourage good parenting.
c. We’re all parenting failures.
My working assumption is that there’s only one perfect parent in the whole world and that’s God. He’s as good a parent as we could ever wish for and so there’ll be great value in listening to what he says about this subject. In fact as I’ll go on to argue we can’t really understand families without relating them to him. Of course, a corollary of that truth is that in comparison to God we’re all parenting failures. That puts us all on a level playing field. Our sinful rebellion against God’s right to direct our lives through his word is something shared by us all. It affects our parenting at every level and makes it such hard work. I hope that if we’re willing to admit this and own this truth about ourselves it will lead us all to be humble and honest about our failings with one another. The last thing we want is hypocrisy creeping into our discussions. One of our good friends admitted that a couple of months ago she was so distraught with her toddler that she got down on all fours in Brixton High Street and as the crowd moved around her pleaded with her son to behave. That sort of honesty is endearing and we warm to people who make no pretence. I therefore hope that we won’t struggle to debate the issues or be fearful of what others may say. We can safely assume that we’re all hopeless at this task and so we’re not going to be judgmental or critical. I hope also it means that some of us won’t be overly sensitive.
d. We’d all like some help.
The proliferation of parenting books shows that its advice we crave. A search for books on parenting on Amazon turned up over 27,000 recommendations. Clearly there are lots of people in the world who want to tell us what to do with our children. It could of course be one extraordinarily prolific author. Where do we start? I used to be eager for advice and then discovered that lots of people weren’t reluctant to give it. It all came so thick and fast, it was often contradictory and we weren’t sure who or what to believe. Now I’m less keen. In fact I wonder whether the wisdom required in parenting is not listening to advice but learning to ignore it.
e. We’re all wondering why I’m doing the talks!
Perhaps that thought hadn’t crossed your mind. But hang around for long enough and witness the carnage over coffee as my children arrive and it soon will. Clearly I’m not an expert in parenting. But I’m not claiming to be. I’m just another parent wanting some guidance. There are at present three children depending on the outcome of these talks and so I’m not a disinterested spectator, I’m a fellow participant. As such, in preparation for these sessions I’ve read what are commonly regarded as the best of evangelical, that’s Bible believing, books on this issue and I’ll mention some of those in a moment. And I’ve listened to some helpful talks. But I’m not sure I need to be an expert. If we waited until I was an expert in everything I spoke on we’d have to shut down the church. This is a shared endeavour and I’m anticipating that long after I’ve sat down we’ll be discussing the issues and thinking through the implications in our marriages and with other parents. It’s worth rejoicing that we belong to a church and recognising that God has placed around us people with expertise in various matters that are of help in parenting. We’ve got experts in medical matters with Doctors and Physiotherapists, educational issues with Primary School teachers and developmental issues with Occupational & Speech Therapists to name a few. That’s a great resource to help us in church. And I may deflect some questions towards them. On questions, it’s my intention that there’ll be time for questions each week but that I’ll answer questions left in the question box from the previous week after I’ve had some time to confer!
f. We don’t actually need anything else but the Bible.
The Bible is sufficient for the parenting task. In 2 Timothy 3:16 Paul wrote, ‘All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the ‘man of God’ may be competent, equipped for every good work’. God has given us everything that we need in his word, the Bible for the whole of our Christian lives. That includes the task of parenting. So we don’t actually need to read any of the books on the bookstall. But before I cause Sarah to worry about her stock levels let me say that we’d be foolish not to read and ponder the wisdom of others. We ought to especially pay attention to those books that attempt to engage, explain and simplify the biblical material. I can recommend all the books on the bookstall and they fulfil different functions in the parenting task.
g. We all have ideas and some are strongly held.
One problem with tackling this issue is that most people have preconceived ideas about what constitutes good and bad parenting. Some of those will be formed after reflection on the biblical material and others not. It’s possible for us to hold very strong opinions on these issues and therefore I’m aware that we could be in for some interesting discussions. Let me say we must be careful not to require of one another what the Bible does not require of us. The explicit commands of scripture are few but clear and we should encourage those in one another. But much of our parenting decisions are concerned with applying those principles with freedom and wisdom. Therefore there’s great scope for a variety of approaches and we need to be generous and not critical in our assessment of what others are doing.
h. We’ll need to have realistic expectations.
If we give it a moment’s thought we’ll realise that three 25-minute sermons are not going to give us all that we need to know on this issue. My intention is provide some of the biblical principles of parenting. I’m relying on our concern and our enthusiasm for the task to lead us to take the next step. In fact what I want to do is attempt to summarise the task before us very simply so that those three priorities will be deep convictions against which all of our parenting activity is to be measured. For those who’ve come hoping for ‘ten top tips to transform your terrible two into a terrific toddler’ you’ll leave disappointed. Go to the books for that. I want to plant some biblically derived convictions deep within us that we can use to critically assess the advice that these books pour out. It’s a game in the mind. I’ve entitled the series ‘Nurturing the Next Generation’ because that seemed to summarise what we’re trying to do in parenting. And the three talks entitled ‘loving our children, teaching our children and disciplining our children’ attempt to expand is entailed by nurturing.
In the time that we’ve got left all I want to do this morning is establish the first of those three priorities, which is to love our children. This principle undergirds and requires the next two. It’s ridiculous to think that we could love our children without teaching them or leaving them uncorrected but those two issues will be dealt with in subsequent weeks.
The big idea of this talk is that God calls parents to love or to serve the children that he gives to them.
1. God provides children as gifts
Look with me at Psalm 127,
‘1 Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. 2 It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. 3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. 4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. 5 Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate’.
This psalm is essentially a song that recognises that God’s active involvement is necessary for success in two important spheres of human existence. First, in (1&2) we cannot protect ourselves against our enemies unless God stands behind us. Secondly, in (3-5) we cannot protect ourselves against injustice unless God provides us with children to argue our case. The idea is that our children will grow up to defend us at the courts by the city gates. God thinks we’re very fortunate if we’re well armed with them.
Tony Payne has written, ‘we don’t think like that, if we were writing the psalm it’d go, Behold, children are just a nuisance, The fruit of the womb a pain in the neck. Like arrows in the backside of a warrior Are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who can persuade his wife to stop at two. He shall not be put to shame When his mates invite him to the pub’.
It’s these last verses that interest us this morning. In them God teaches us that children are his gift to us. We can hope for them but unless he gives them to us we hope in vain. This truth has two obvious implications.
a. Children should be received with thanksgiving.
We need only to talk to those who are experiencing or have experienced great difficulty in conceiving to know that we can’t take it for granted that we’ll have children. When God gives children to us we should be very grateful. That’s perhaps more obvious when it’s our first and when they’re small. It’s hard not to look at a new born baby in amazement, wonder and awe. Feargal Keane the BBC Corespondent in his ‘Letter to Daniel’ in which he writes to his baby boy wrote, ‘Now, looking at your sleeping face, inches away from me, listening to your occasional sigh and gurgle, I wonder how I could have ever thought glory and prizes and praise were sweeter than life’. But as children grow up we’ll also need to remember this when they irritate us, defy us, provoke us and disappoint us. We’ll need to remember that they remain a gift of God to us.
b. Children should be treasured as valuable.
The biblical view of children is unique. In both the Old Testament and the New Testament children are given a significance that was not afforded to them in the surrounding cultures. In the OT child sacrifice was commonplace and in the NT infanticide of especially baby girls was a feature of life in the Roman Empire. Jesus himself modelled a counter cultural approach and acceptance of children.We now inhabit a society that regards the right of a Mother to choose more important than the right of a baby to live and so the Christian view that all human life is valuable is something that we need to keep defending.
Our children are valuable gifts from God for which we always ought to give thanks.
2. God entrusts children to parents
a. God places children in families.
God intends that children should grow up in the context of a family. Kirsten Birkett in her book ‘The Essence of Family’ points out that the concept of family is one that is derived from God. God has a family. He is a Father with a son, the Lord Jesus Christ. And he adopts into his family for all eternity those who exercise faith in Christ. In Ephesians 3 Paul assumes that all families are derivatives of this pattern. And so we ought always to have before us the model that God is the parenting standard towards which we ought to be aiming. The responsibility for children therefore falls to the parents not to the Government, not to teachers and not to Sunday school.
b. God requires that both parents are involved.
The translation Look at Proverbs 1:8, ‘Hear, my son, your father’s instruction and forsake not your mother’s teaching’. The idea is repeated in 6:20. Parenting is a dual responsibility. There are different responsibilities within the family. It’s not a competitive but co-operative venture. Our definition of family is usually Mum, Dad and some kids. It revolves around the kids and is held together by Mum. But in the Bible the expectation is that at the centre of the family is a Father who leads and takes responsibility for his tribe. That sometimes doesn’t happen because the father is so often absent. He can be absent because work commitments demand so much of him. Or perhaps less forgivable he can be absent even though he’s present. Most Mums will not resent the intrusion of some fatherly involvement into the parenting process but after 5 days of fluids, whinging and tantrums will be very grateful for our renewed involvement.
3. God expects children to be nurtured in godliness
Look with me at Mark 3:31-34, ‘31 And his mother and his brothers came, and standing outside they sent to him and called him. 32 And a crowd was sitting around him, and they said to him, "Your mother and your brothers are outside, seeking you." 33 And he answered them, "Who are my mother and my brothers?" 34 And looking about at those who sat around him, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! 35 Whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother."
In Jesus’ thinking the earthly family is not the ultimate family. There’s another family that’s more important than our own. In an age where we might perhaps idolise the family this is a truth with massive implications in terms of what we hope for our children. Belonging to God’s family has a prior claim on our allegiance and that of our children. The OT prophet Malachi argues that God entrusted children to parents so that they might produce godly offspring. It’s as though God gives children to us with the intention that we should nurture them and in order to give them back to him. God intends that we will nurture those he’s given us responsibility for so that they will grow up as mature well-rounded followers of Jesus Christ. That is not to say that their conversion or their growth in godliness is something over which we have total control. God is the one who brings people to new life. But it is to acknowledge that we can parent with the confident expectation that God is favourably disposed to our children and that he uses us as partners in that enterprise.
That’s quite a responsibility isn’t it? It’s as though we’re the pastors of our own home church, which is how the Puritans of the 17th Century understood their role. And it’s why the NT epistles require deacons and elders to have demonstrated their suitability for leading the household of God.
At times it might feel that the goal of parenting is crowd control or perhaps in our better moments to produce well rounded individuals to take up their place in society and contribute something towards it. But we will have failed in our responsibility unless we have sought to pastor our children in the faith.
To be a biblical parent and seek God’s agenda for their lives we’ll seek to parent the way God intends for the goal that God intends. If we don’t do it this way them we’re working against the rub and we can expect that to be hard work. We need to have two perspectives in focus.
a. We need to remember creation.
In creation God made the world and designed to function in a particular way. He is the inventor of families, parents, husbands and wives and children. Unless we want to argue that he’s a careless or unloving creator he gave some thought to the way that his creation should function. God’s instructions as the creator will therefore give us the essence of parenting. We’ll perhaps need to keep this in mind as we consider the subjects of instruction and discipline.
b. We need to remember the New Creation.
This world is not all that there is. There’s a paradise existence beyond the grave opened up for us through Christ’s death. We call it heaven the Bible usually calls it the New Creation. Therefore the goal of parenting has to bear in mind that we’re not simply preparing our children for life in this world but ultimately we’re preparing our children to enjoy life in the next.
We’re sinners and we’ll constantly feel the temptation to step back from obeying God in this matter. But children are sinners as well and that leads to the final point.
4. God requires children to honour and obey
Look at Ephesians 6.
6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honour your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
God’s pattern for families requires children to honour and obey the parents whom God has placed in authority over them.
It’s a common biblical theme that God invests authority in those to whom he gives responsibility. Fathers in particular we learn have responsibility for raising the children with discipline and instruction. God has given authority to parents over their children. But as with all biblical authority it’s not the right to abuse or manipulate those under our direction. Biblical authority is really the permission to make decisions for the well being of those in our care. It’s not something that’s opposed to love it’s something required in order to love.
To love our children means to serve them. Biblical love is not an emotion it’s an activity. Love’s not primarily those wonderful feelings of infatuation and desire that they provoke in us when they’re adorable. Love is a decision to place their needs before our own when they provoke us to something else! It’s impossible to love our children without God’s permission to have some measure of control over what they do. If worth realising that if we raise children who will not submit to our decisions we will cause them to forfeit our loving direction.
Why do we need to be told to love our children? That may seem surprising to some of us. There are two reasons. Children are sinners and so are parents!
Children are not born morally neutral or morally innocent and end up being corrupted by influences around them. They, like us, are born with a bias to rebellion against God and His wise advice for life and we’ll be surprised how early that disobedience is manifested.
But we’re sinners as well. If we’re honest we’ll admit that we have to fight against our fundamental interest in ourselves before thinking about anyone else. The NT is brutally honest about the ongoing influence of our impulse to selfishness. It’s something that we’ll have to battle until our dying day. Therefore when children make demands on us we may not always feel like responding in love and quite often we’ll resent it. It’s helpful to anticipate it so that we recognise it when it happens.
Conclusion
Let me summarise what we’ve thought about this morning.
Through the kindness of God we have brought children into existence and we are tasked with the responsibility of caring and providing for them.
God has given us the authority we need to fulfil this function. To fathers he has given authority over the entire family and to parents he has given joint authority over the children.
Working together in partnership we are to live our lives in the light of the prior and more profound family membership available through the gospel of Jesus Christ. We’re to ensure that we’re part of that family ourselves. But we must also lead our family so that they will join us in the New Creation.
The elders and congregation of Christ Church Balham have given their approval and permission for you to teach the members of ‘Christ Church Kids’ about Jesus from the Bible. 
Adapted from Paul Dawson kid’s slot at Dundonald
